(BL) What If I Love You?

Chapter 6

"Egg noodles with beef. No, no extra sauce."

Yeah, Chinese food and zombie TV-show - my brain is off. I could have guessed earlier.

When my head begins to resemble an empty Chinese food box, I turn off the TV and get ready to go to bed.

There is a persistent knock on the door. I freeze on the threshold again. But this time the guest does not leave. He knocks over and over.

"Mark."

I hear a muffled voice from behind the door. It's Ian's voice, and he continues to speak.

"We need to talk, please. I saw your car downstairs, I know that you are at home. Please, open up, I need to talk to you. Or... At least listen to me, I beg you."

This voice literally makes my heart sink. It seems to me that it won't take much for Ian to start crying. If someone spoke to me in such voice, I could not help but open. I can hardly restrain myself.

"Mark..."

I hear a rustle or something like that. He might be writing a note again. This time I collect the note only in the morning.

"I need to see you. Even if it's over between us, at least say it to my face. I will be waiting for you at our place tomorrow from 7 p.m. and 'til the morning if I must. Please just come."

Mark is unlikely to arrive today.

I put this note in my pocket, next to the previous one.

I wonder what happened between them?..

I hoped that time will make me feel better. But no, today the fact that the kiss with Alyssa did not resonate inside me at all worries me much more than before. And I constantly think about it, and then I remember Mark, and all this leads me into some kind of jungle of my subconscious, where all I feel is growing anxiety. As if my world is about to collapse. Then I hastily slam the door to this dark room and desperately try to leave everything as it is. But it's impossible. I'm scared to think about how I'm going to college again. I don't know how to be myself anymore, because apparently I didn't know myself very well.

Maybe I'm thinking too much and I just didn't like Alyssa, that's all?

But I though she was beautiful...

How am I supposed to explain myself to Mark now?

And that damn note too... I'm so confused.

A cold, which squeezes my throat with a steel grip, seems to me God's punishment... Well, just a small punishment. In trial version.

Today is Thursday. Mark still hasn't returned. Ian obviously didn't meet Mark at "their place". He never came again.

I slept most of the day, taking pills from fever, but my throat hurt like a damn thing. Therefore, in the evening I forced myself to leave the house and walk to the drug store but since I didn't have any prescription pharmacy, I returned home empty handed and almost without a bit of strength.

As I came inside I felt something was off. It is difficult to explain, but when there is someone in the house, you can feel it. As if the presence of a person changes the atmosphere.

And then I heard voices. They came from Mark's room. I froze on a spot.

"No, I'm telling you, I didn't know!" It's Mark's voice. Judging by his tone, he is angry and somewhat desperate.

"I've left you probably a hundred messages. I came here, left notes, and you say you did not know?!"

I think it's Ian. When I hear about the notes, I flinch.

"I never got any notes from you. And I haven't listened to your messages."

"Why? Can you explain to me what's going on? Huh? Mark? This I've been waiting for? That you gonna be hiding from me?" Ian's voice sounds demanding, this is not the tone that I heard from behind the door recently.

"I don't know what you've been waiting for! I warned you."

"Yes, I remember all this, but a year has passed, a year and a half to be exact, but nothing has changed. Find the courage to decide something!"

"Do you think it's that easy?!"

"No! I don't think it's easy! But can you imagine what I feel?"

"Always about yourself..."

"Don't you dare, Mark! I was silent all this time, as you asked. Now what? How much longer are you going to live in the past? Yes, I know it's hard for you. With him you have a past that you don't have with me. But with me you have a future that you don't have with him. When will you understand this?!" Ian paused.

"I need your decision, Mark. Now."

Silence reigns, and I listen attentively to this silence.

It dragged on for a long time. It was again broken by Ian's voice.

"I take your silence as an answer."

I heard the door in Mark's room opened, and before I had time to realize that I should hide, Mark's voice suddenly rang out.

"Ian.... don't go."

Due to the fact that the door was open, I heard his voice loud and clear, I heard the tone in which he said it. Then a lock clicked on his door, and it became quiet. They didn't speak anymore. Or maybe I went deaf... If so, then I should have gone deaf a minute earlier so I didn't have to hear Mark say his name...

I locked myself in the room and did not leave it until the very next morning, until I was convinced that Mark and Ian were gone. I can't stop thinking about last night, about Mark's voice. That Ian spent the night here.

When I heard Mark's voice yesterday, something broke inside me. I realized that I wanted Mark not as my "older brother" or even a friend, it was something else. Something I can't fully understand. Something that scares me. And now it make me unhappy. Because I feel hunger I can't sate. Mark decided. He chose Ian not me...

Idiot... I'm such an idiot! How could he choose me if I never told him?.. But what about that night?.. Didn't he figured me out then?! Or is it because he saw Alyssa?

We never spoke. Didn't clarify anything. And now... is it too late?

And even if we could talk, what would I tell him? "I love you"?..

Love you...

Ian must be on love Mark, I think. I never fell in love anyone, but I think that Ian loves Mark. And Mark...

What has Ian been waiting for all year? Who does Mark have a past with, who does he not want to let go of?

I feel like an uninvited guest on the threshold of my home. I didn't know anything about Mark. Anything that would help me get closer to him now. All his secrets were safely hidden from me, and now I just look around and do not understand anything.

For the first time in my life since the death of my parents and brother, I feel this hunger in my solar plexus again. And I know there is nothing I can do to make it go away.

And I suddenly realize why I was silent for two years... Why could I sit all night, looking into the darkness. But then Mark was with me to bring me out of this darkness. He was there. He didn't let suffering tear me apart.

But now he is gone. And it will not come back. His life was waiting for him.

Why is my whole family dead, but I'm alive?.. Perhaps all this should not have happened...

It shouldn't have...

It's fever again. And hunger.

How much pills do I have to take to feel nothing?

My hand reaches to the night stand where I left the pills. I take out the solution to the problem from a plastic case... It's good that my thoughts are vague and hazy. And all I need is just one sip of water.