Hiding the Pain

Part 5

So, it turned out that getting the casts off was both a blessing and a curse for Maya the first few days. She was eager to do everything despite the braces that limited her mobility somewhat, especially in her left arm which was pretty much immobilized from the elbow up.

However, her right arm now theoretically had full range of motion back in it. Now, it was theoretical because after two months in full casts, everything was stiff. When they got home, Carina was surprised to find their crock pot on the counter full of soup and a loaf of bread sitting next to it.

"What is this?" Carina said, confused, "I know there is no way you did this."

"Hey, I can cook," Maya said, pretending to be insulted, "But Travis made that. I think it's butternut squash, but I can't remember. This morning was not great."

"I know," Carina said, putting the lid back on the crock pot and walking over to her girlfriend, wrapping her arms around her, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't even know," Maya said, rubbing her face on Carina's shoulder, "I just...I started thinking and I couldn't stop and then I couldn't breathe and then I kept thinking about that and...I don't know. It was just too much."

"It's ok," Carina said, kissing the top of Maya's head, "I know you were very anxious about today. I should not have gone into work."

"No," Maya said, shaking her head, "No, you were needed there, and you shouldn't have to not help people because my stupid anxious brain can't manage to settle itself."

"Hey," Carina said warningly, not liking when Maya talked like this, "Your brain is just fine. Anxiety is not something that makes your brain stupid. You struggle with something that you could just let overtake you every day, but you don't. And this morning, it might have won for a minute, but that is ok."

"I think part of the problem is that I haven't really been alone since I broke my arms," Maya said, sniffling, "And I just...I guess I just started freaking out about what was going to happen today and in the future if...if something happened and my arms didn't heal or something."

"Oh Bambina," Carina said, holding Maya's face in her hands, "You should have talked to me about this and not kept it all inside."

"I didn't even know I was worried about this, at least not really, until today. I mean, I had thought about it, but every time I did, you were there or Vic or Travis or Andy or someone else to distract me," Maya said, "And then today...I was alone and no one pulled me out of it and I couldn't do it myself. I know, I need to talk to Diane and get it sorted out, but I just...I don't know."

"It's ok," Carina said, kissing her gently, "You have been through a lot in the past few weeks, and being anxious about it is totally normal. Are you feeling better about it now?"

"Mostly," Maya said, "I mean, I'm still worried something will happen that will take me out of firefighting, but after talking to Link, I feel better about it."

"I don't think this is going to stop you from being a firefighter," Carina said, "It might take a little while for you to get those big, strong arm muscles back, but I have no doubt it will happen."

Maya nodded, leaning against Carina again, feeling exhausted even though she had napped earlier in the day

. "How about we have some dinner and then get into bed?" Carina said, seeing that it was already almost 6, and that Maya was exhausted both from the day and from the past few weeks in general.

"Can we shower before bed?" Maya asked, "Cause these arms are itchy still."

"Of course," Carina nodded, "Do you want to eat first or shower?"