A sad love story

the beginning of a new love

His name was Xander. Xander Mackay. As I said our relationship was perfect. Perfect communication. Just perfect everything. It was like a dream.
My parents and I started fighting more often. So, I wanted out. Luckily my boyfriend Xander was moving to Edmonton. I decided to go with him. After being told by his mom that, I would be cared for no matter what. (Keep that in mind) my parents begged me not to go. Telling me not to trust them. That they are bad people and will leave me in the dust. I didn't believe them of course. I was blinded by their good side. That their bad was so covered I couldn't see it. The first week in Edmonton was a dream. Going shopping everyday. Going out on dates all the time. Just spending money and having fun. Then after I ran out of money... we stayed at home. That's when he started raping me. When I would say no to sex he would pin me down so I couldn't move. I would try and push him off. But I was to weak.
"It's ok baby. You'll love it"
It would whisper into my ear while putting it in. So I gave up. I gave up on fighting I gave up on trying. I just let him do what he wanted. This continued for another week. Then his mom decided they didn't have enough space for me. So I went off to his dad's house. Sometimes being locked out of the house, I would have to sleep outside. Live on the streets. Not knowing when my next meal would be. Borrowing money from friends so I could eat. When I did get to go inside. I would get raped and beat by my boyfriend. After 3 months I gave up. I called my mom and told her I was coming home. I yelled at Xander
"I'm done with all this bullshit. I'm going home and you can't stop me."
I said with a stern voice.
"No please don't go."
He begged with tears in his eyes. Hopping on a bus I head to the mall. Shopping always helps me calm down. I call my brother and tell him to pick me up. He of course picks me up a few hours later. But, I had to go to Xander house to get my stuff. So I walk 2 hours across Edmonton in -50. With nothing but two sweaters. I could feel myself freezing to death. My eyes grew heavy. Once I got there I packed everything.
"Please don't go you can't!"
Xander would yell at me.
"Look I'm sorry I really do love you but... I just can't do this anymore."
I say with tears in my eyes.
After my brother pulls up he starts running to the car. We drive off. Seeing him run after me was hard. I loved him but he hurt me so bad. How could I ever love someone like that. How?

2 years has passed now. Since Xander. Since Edmonton. I never realized how much it would mess a person up. I'm now 18 Turing 19 next month. I was 16 when this all happened. My brain is still stuck at 16. I still believe I'm 16. When someone asks my age I say 16. I won't think I'll just say. I still feel his touch sometimes. His touch lingers on my body. His voice His words stuck in my brain. Not being able to escape. I still see him when I close my eyes. I moved to a new school hoping it would go away. But it never did. Now I have a friend who looks just like him. Sometimes I look at him and just... I can't say. Let's just say it's nothing nice... I remember the cold nights on the streets. I still have panic attacks that lead me into a spiral. A spiral of suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I still feel weak. Like he took everything. Like he still controls me. I still flinch to the slight movement. I can't listen to his music or our song because, I will have a panic attack. My friend played it once and I just freaked. You could tell on the outside. I told him to turn it off he did. Then another one came on a few minutes later. I freaked more. My body tensed up. My eyes started to fill with tears. My smile faded. But when my friends looked at me I'd smile and act like it's fine.
It's been getting better. Lately I've been able to control myself. Lately it's been ok. I just hope it stays like this.