Hate Notes

Chapter 6

We all remembered our first love. It always ended up in heartbreak. First love never worked out, but we still push to try to give love a chance. We tell ourselves someone better will come, someone who will sweep us off our feet and love us without fault. That was what I told myself when my first love didn't work out. I've had flings, but I've only ever loved two people in my life. One had been my first love, and the other had been Matt.

Matt was something I didn't expect to find. Growing up with Jesse and Jason made me stay away from boys because I believed they were all the same. Their friends had been the same too, so I didn't expect any less from their gender. But Matt had been different. Matt had been kind, but he had been something unexpected. We were from different faculties, but I believed we were fated to meet. It was an accidental meeting. I went to see my professor, who had emailed me to meet him in another faculty. Matt had been in the office, kept me busy while I waited for my professor. He kept me talking. He kept me laughing. After that day, we exchanged numbers. We texted, and he invited me out. We never talked about being anything other than friends, but I knew we were more. The way he looked at me and the way he cared told me he felt the way I did. Matt met my friends. I met his. We went to the same parties. Everyone expected us to be together, so it had been a matter of time before we got together.

Then Jesse happened. And I haven't looked at a man in five years.

When Matt texted me to meet him out of the blue, I didn't expect the location to be a children's hospital. I sat in the lobby with couches and chairs, looking over the wide hallways for signs of the man that haunted my dreams. Staring at the walls covered with artworks while my feet tapped against the tiled floor frustrated me to no end. Ignoring the child poking me was a lot harder than I thought, but kids were not on my hate list.

"Iris."

I looked up immediately when Matt called my name. He stood in front of a door and waved me over. I leapt onto my feet, ignoring the poking boy that sighed dejectedly when I left. I met Matt with a smile on my face, happy to see him, but a bit happier that he wanted to see me before our dinner.

"Did I keep you waiting?"

I wondered if it hurt him to smile each time he saw me. Was he truly hiding what he felt? Was I still hurting him? Has he moved on from what I did? I couldn't bring myself to ask. I didn't think I had the luxury to ask him anything.

"No, you didn't." I forced my own smile as we remained by the door.

He shook his head, faintly smiling. "I'm sorry for dragging you out at this time. I didn't know if you were busy...?" he trailed off, left it for me to fill.

Was he wondering if I had work? My cheeks reddened, the idea of telling him that I was a failure when all he had seen in college was a girl determined to set her own path and watch it blossom. Matt used to say he was jealous because I could do anything and he knew in ten years, I would be more successful than anyone he knew. Fast forward to half a decade later, I was almost broke and out of a job. Talk about having a successful future.

"I....wasn't busy. I was a little surprised you called."

"Yeah, I didn't plan to call you out here, but I thought if I didn't, you'd think I was canceling for nothing."

"Cancelling?" My stomach sank.

"The dinner tonight?" he offered, despite me needing no further explanation to get what he meant. When he added, he was careful to press into his words to make a statement. "Something important came up that I can't miss, and we haven't seen each other in years. We have a lot of catching up to do. Since dinner isn't happening, I thought I could still hang out with you today."