Hate Notes

Chapter 12

There was something funny about life. No matter where you go, no matter where you escape to, you would always find your way back home. Home is always going to be there for you to go back to, and the people you have left would still be there. Lingering behind to remind you what you left behind.

"You're a bitch."

This was Cece's greeting when I knocked on her door and she stared at me as if she wanted to hit me, then bury me alive. I needed to stop dropping by her office at random hours, but I had just gotten back into town, and the first place I wanted to come was here. I had imagined this conversation with her so many times, and neither one had ended pleasantly.

"I know you're pissed," I stated, walking slowly as if to show her I was unarmed and I wasn't here to pick a fight with her, but my cousin was on the verge of hurling her mug across the room and hope it splinted me.

However, she snorted and adjusted her glasses so it sat on the bridge of her nose. She eyed me expectantly. "That's an understatement of the century," she murmured, and despite the lingering anger in her face, I knew she was happy to see me.

"I'm sorry."

That was the wrong thing to say, but I could not be wrong with an apology, but it somehow ticked her off even more. Her brows furrowed deep together and peeled my skin off when she rebuked, "Tell that to Jesse...you know, the guy you left wondering why the fuck you ghosted him for four months?"

I wanted to wince and sank into the chair I was sitting on, but when I decided to leave without saying anything to anyone, I had prepared myself for the harsh responses I would get. Cece, for one, was who I wanted to tame first. If I could tame her, then I had chances with Jesse. Through the drive here from the airport, I had memorized all the things I wanted to say, but neither sounded good enough for me.

I lifted a finger and corrected, "Technically, I was in the program and outside communication wasn't really allowed."

"Fuck you."

I released a sigh. "Cece, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you guys, but you know I've never really been good with communication."

Her eyes flared wide. "You left without saying goodbye, Iris. That was four months ago! That was a dick move." She made no effort to shield the bite in her tone. "You dad had to let us know where you went and everyone felt like complete shit. And Jesse? Fuck, Iris, after everything that happened between you two? You know he told me everything, so how could you do that to him?"

Pausing to steady myself, I bit my trembling lip and retorted, "I didn't mean to hurt him." I could not suppress the weakness in my voice when I talked about him. I didn't feel like I ran away, but I somehow did. From Jesse. From everyone, but mostly him. Despite the effort to forget him, he had drawn my thoughts back to him every day I had left. It had scared me, and it was the very reason I had left. To figure out what I needed, and if he was that answer. Somehow, a part of me wished I had a different answer.

But Jesse had invaded my mind for one hundred and twenty days. My heart had trembled at the thought of him, and I was achingly aware that there was no turning back. I had been terrified. For he became someone I had passionately hated to someone I intensely desired.

Cece leveled a second glare at me. "Don't tell me that bullshit. You knew exactly what you were doing. If you wanted nothing with him, you should've had the balls to tell him straight to his face and not leave him with more questions than answers, but whatever. He got your answer loud and clear. You don't want him, so I hope you stay clear of him now."

My breath hitched as the implications of what she had said occurred to me and I felt panic easing its way through me. I sat closer to the edge of my seat, fumbling with my hands. I had never been good at begging for anything, but I found myself on the verge of begging my cousin to help me. I couldn't face Jesse without her help. I was a coward then for not telling him how I felt, and a coward now for not facing him the moment I came back.