Hate Notes

Chapter 11

I didn't have a name for the emotions roiling around in my gut when I knocked on Jesse's door, but when I did, I realized no one came to answer. From the window, the house looked still and the lights were off. I walked around, looking into the house through the window, but it didn't seem like anyone was there.

He wasn't here.

I hadn't expected that, and it made me laugh. I was so sure I would find him here, waiting for me like he said he would be, and I felt like a fool for coming here. He was supposed to be home. He was supposed to open the door and let me in. I closed my eyes and breathe. Any sensible woman would swallow her humiliation and leave, but not me. I didn't know what kept pulling me back to him. Even when I hated him, I could never stay apart from him.

Was I too late coming here? Did he think I would not come?

Sitting here in the dark, I wanted nothing more than to see him. To hear his voice, and it was perfectly clear that I couldn't keep pretending that I didn't want to be close to him. His name sat heavy on my stomach.

It took him a long time to get home. My legs were numb and drawn to my chest, and I couldn't feel my skin-whether it was warm or cold. My stomach had been grumbling, and I regretted not eating anything at the reception. I was so tired I couldn't lift my head when I heard him. I felt his shadows coming up, and I angled my head to meet his mesmerizing eyes.

Jesse knelt in front of me. Half of his face were hid behind the shadows, but I could see his eyes, which drilled holes into mine. He lifted his hand and reached his fingers to touch the skin of my arm, the slight brush of those fingers electric. He withdrew them back. I looked on, not knowing what to say.

Did he look happy to see him? I couldn't tell. I could not see it, but then again, he was good at masking his emotions.

My hands moved. One touched his fingers, closing my palm over his hand. That simple touch felt more intimate than we had ever been.

I opened my mouth and asked, "What am I doing here?" Perhaps I was looking for him to fill in the gaps, or perhaps I was saying the words to understand how ridiculous everything was.

Jesse's lips parted before he leaned forward. He tipped my chin up, running his thumb along my jawbone. I felt that hand snaking around my back. His other hand wounded around my legs, and he was lifting me into his arms before I could catch another breath. I didn't fight. I shamelessly wrapped my arms around his neck and let him walk me into the house. My face was buried in the crook of his neck when he took me to his bedroom and lay me on the bed. My breath came out slowly when he sat at the edge of the bed, staring at me.

We saw nothing for quite some time before he lifted his hand to my face. Jesse cupped my cheek delicately and rubbed his thumb over my skin. He drew his hand to pet my head before he pulled the covers over my body, tucking me underneath his lush sheets. He sat up from the bed and leaned down to brush his lips on my forehead before withdrawing. Jesse stepped away. For a long time, he remained in the bathroom. I was almost dozing off when I felt the covers moving and he slid into bed with him. I felt his heat on my neck. I closed my eyes at the sensation. When he pulled me into his chest, I cuddled into his warmth.

I didn't need to wonder why he did that because I knew why he did. I knew why he wasn't rushing to kiss me, that he pulled me to his bed so he could cuddle with me. Because he knew I was terrified. He knew this was a new thing for me, and he knew I was having second thoughts about all of this. Jesse could be an asshole something, but he respected people's feelings. If he knew I was scared about this thing between us, he wouldn't rush me into anything.

"We will figure it out," I heard him whisper into my ear. Silent tears streamed down my face. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close, holding me tight as I buried my face in his arms. My body relaxed into him, knowing without a doubt that we had crossed over. He wouldn't hurt me again, but I wasn't sure about myself. The fear and doubt remained.