Every Bright and Broken Thing

Chapter Fifteen - Liam

Everything is loud.

I stagger out into the hallway, slipping my shirt back on. Everything is so much louder now – the music, the voices. All this noise is too much. The chaos of teenage rebellion screams in my ears. I sense the eyes of strangers on me as I stumble down the stairs, pants half undone, nearly falling over the railing once or twice. My vision blurs and my head pounds as I step outside where the music pulses and lights flash.

Everything is loud.

Somewhere in the distance I hear sirens and the music stops abruptly. A quiet settles over the crowd as everyone freezes in place, then in a flash students dart away in all directions, scattered like seagulls on a beach, pigeons on a sidewalk. They trip over each other, slam into each other. Some bump against me as I stand completely still and almost oblivious in the middle of it all. It's all I can do to keep myself on my feet.

Through blurry, unfocused eyes I see Theo as he runs up to me. He grips my shoulders, thumbs digging into my flesh and bone hard enough to make me wince. He tells me something, but I don't understand what he says. Pulling me through the crowd, he takes me to the back of their property and opens the gate.

"Liam," he says, shaking me.

"What?" I slur.

"You can't afford to get arrested twice in two weeks. I'll meet you at the overlook if I can, okay?"

"M'kay," I mumble. He shoves me through the gate and latches it behind me.

I turn around and look up the mountainside, through all the trees. Moonlight filters through and behind me, in the distance, I hear the sounds of hundreds of feet running away and fleeing into the surrounding woods and streets. Winding my way through the trees, I hike the mountainside, following the trail Theo and I have worn into the forest floor.

Evergreens tower above me against the moonlit sky like fearsome giants who will not be moved. In my stupor, I find myself at the base of one of the taller ones, staring up, up, up and it seems to grow even taller before my eyes. I wish I was like this tree; it stands strong and tall and refuses to be moved from its place. It's claimed its ground, conquered its land. It is resolved. It's in the nature of a tree to stand tall against the wind and the weather, in a quiet sort of defiance; yet it seems that it's in the nature of humans to buckle under the weight, to fall.

Maybe one day I'll write a song about this. Maybe that song could be the one. Maybe it could save my life like Mom said.

Suddenly overcome with anger, I let out a cry and punch the tree. Over and over, my fist rails against the bark, but still the tree is not moved. I punch and beat at it until my knuckles bleed and my bones are numb. And then when I can't find the strength I crumble to the forest floor and let out dry, throaty sobs. Gagging, I throw up right there, the sickness in my gut purging me of all the regret and the shame and the fear and the pain.

Wondering all the while how I could possibly go on, I pry myself up out of the dirt and stagger my way further up the mountain. I come to the overlook, a big cliff that sticks out of the mountainside. Down below, I see Theo's house. The cops are still there, restraining a handful of students who weren't as lucky as I was to escape. I wonder if they got Theo.

Further out, I see the town of Summit sprawled out at the foot of the mountain range, neon signs and open windows glowing against the dark. Most of the signs wane between life and death, flickering above the streets. I can relate. Inside, my spirit flickers in harmony with the dying lights. I wonder how long I'll have before I go out for good.

A thin fog rolls through the town from the east, bathing it in a pale, lunar haze. I sit down on the edge of the cliff, my feet dangling over the mountain. The moon is full and clear where it hangs in the midnight sky. I stare up at it, mesmerized. The air is cold, but my face burns – from tears, from the icy breeze, or maybe from the alcohol.

I sit here and don't move for a while. I don't know how much time passes. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. My mind races and I think of the look on Stacy's face when I told her the truth, the look in her eyes.

"I don't think I can do this," she said.

I hate myself for not going after her, for letting her get away without even putting up a fight. But I'm tired of fighting. Tired of pretending I'm okay. Tired of pretending that I'm someone I'm not. For Dad, for Theo, for Stacy.

For Lincoln.

This mask is too heavy. The longer I wear it, the more I can feel it weighing me down deeper and deeper into the dark. It's all too much. I can't carry the world anymore and I can't carry this secret either. I'm trapped. I'm trapped in a life I didn't choose, a world that's too cruel, a body that's no longer mine. And suddenly I can't breathe. The pressure tightens around my chest and I gasp for breath. Something inside of me cries out to the sky for help, but there's no one to hear.

I give voice to it though. With a snarl, I let out the loudest cry I can muster. My voice cracks and shakes as the sound disappears on the wind. I scream and growl and spit until I'm out of breath. I give voice to the anger and the ache until I have no voice left to give.

When my cries turn to gasps, I measure my breathing like I always do. But this time it takes a lot longer for it to work.

As the panic subsides, I look down over the edge of the cliff. I wonder what would happen if I jumped? Would I pass out on the way down and not feel a thing? Or would I be awake even after I hit the ground? Would I feel it or would it be painless?

I scoot forward an inch just as Will comes breaking through the tree line behind me. He jogs up to me and sits down at my side, panting. I wonder if he heard me.

"Whoo! What a night!" he says.

I glance up at him, shivering as an icy breeze brushes across my bare forearms. "How'd you get away? Where's Theo and Jace?" I ask.

"The cops took Theo. Said they're gonna give his parents a call. He told me where you were and that you were more than a little wasted." Will chuckles.

"Yeah, a little." I cringe. "And Jace?"

Will shrugs. "He took off when the cops first showed up. The coward wasted no time getting outta here. Didn't even look back." He throws a pebble off the edge of the cliff and leans back on his hands.

Silence fills the space between us and I lay down on my back and stare up at the deep blue sky full of stars. Will lays down beside me.

"I saw Stacy leave," he says finally.

I swallow.

"What happened between you two?"

"Nothing."

"That didn't look like nothing. I saw the way she looked when she left."

"It's fine. Nothing to worry about."

"Mm-hmm."

"For real, man. It's okay. We'll be fine."

"Okay..." he doesn't sound convinced. "If you need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks, Will."

"You're welcome." He stands and extends a hand to me. "C'mon. I'll give you a lift home."

"I can drive," I protest, taking his hand and pulling myself to my feet. I give one last glance down the mountain before we turn away and head back to the woods.

"Nice try. There's no way I'm letting you ride your bike home in your condition."

Brow furrowed, I look over at him. "My condition?"

He blinks. "Dude, you're drunk."

Oh. Right.

"Fine," I say. I guess I can pick up my bike after school tomorrow. "But let's stop and get some fries. I'm starving."

"Anything you want, man."