Never Let Them Define You

PRETENDING TO BE FREE

She gets to her front door, exasperated and trembling, then shoves the key into it, and the door swings open as she's twisting the lock. She sees Marco with a worried face holding the handle. "Thanks." She marches through the room and throws herself on the couch. "Make me coffee?"

"Sure, love...are you alright?"

"Yes, fine, just thoughts, many thoughts."

"I meant your run."

"Oh, it was fine, I'm not sure about this whole thing."

"It'll teach you discipline, motivate you, and you'll get the hang of it after a few weeks."

"A few weeks?! Day three and I'm considering suicide...that's a joke, by the way." She laughs fakely and sighs. "It is nice, though, it feels like I'm floating off the ground when I really get going."

"Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about; running freed me when I was a kid, it felt like nothing could hold me down." He grabs the cup and holds it up. "No sugar?"

"No sugar."

"Alright...I mean, I'm glad you kicked that habit, but I still think it's kinda weird you just have it totally black."

"It's more pure that way, just pure energy." She laughs maniacally, then sits up, and takes the cup from his hand. She takes a sip more than a sip, then rests it on the table, and grabs her notepad.

"You haven't said much about seeing your mom."

"What...? No, no, I said loads, right?"

"You said, 'it went well,' but not much else."

"Well...it did go well, so...why do you care anyways, she's my mom."

"I know, but it's been so long since you'd seen her."

"I just had to grow up before I could face her again, I was holding a lot against her that wasn't her fault, and was still looking at her like a teenager. We worked things out, she gave me a lot of good advice...she recommended I do something called "Aikido," but I've never really done martial arts before."

"All the more reason to?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right; I wonder if there are any good dojos around. That's the right word, right?"

"I have no idea." He laughs and puts his arm around his shoulder. "How's the project coming?"

"Very good." She scoots out from in front of his arm to grab the notepad, then stands up, and reads from it, "The Day I-this is a poem by the way, anyways." She clears her throat and continues, "The Day I Let Myself Feel Something. The way I know the way to go is not a source of hope. These days I march sometimes fall apart and lead to other roads." She scans the poem further, taking in the entire thing, and says, "Never mind, this one's too simple, uh," she flips through several pages and exclaims, "here! Okay, this one's a song called...I don't know, anyways." She clears her throat. "World before my eyes, Don't tell another lie, Show me something good or I-" she laughs, then gulps and stammers, "That's bad, right? Awful?"

"I liked it."

"Of course you'd say that, you have an implicit bias," she starts flipping madly through the pages and rambling, "how can I trust that you'll give me criticism when you look at me highly and you think that-"

He puts his hand gently on the notepad, which stops her from flipping. "I'm not biased...why would I tell you something you do is good when it's not? You think I want you to fail?"

"No! But do you? I mean, what if you have some other motive, you had an affair, or you-"

"Woah, woah, woah, slow down and calm down. I'm not having an affair."

"I never said you were! I just said, 'what if?'"

"Is something wrong?"

"NOTHING'S WRONG!!" She howls and stomps her foot. "I'M FINE, WE'RE FINE, EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE!" She starts laughing, slowly at first, then it takes off and she ascends to inane cackling. "I ruined everything," she mutters and her laughter turns into wailing. She crashes back onto the couch and curls into a ball.

He puts his hand on her shoulder, which causes her to jolt, and he pulls it back. "What happened?"

"I-" she tries to speak but words fail her, "I...I need to do something!" She manages to pull herself apart, then stands defiantly, and looks right into Marco's eyes. She takes his hands and whispers, "We should get married."

His eyes shoot wide open, he gasps, and his face is plastered with flabbergast. "Are you serious?"

"Yes! Yes! Oh God, Yes! We should do it as soon as possible."

"I-" he tries to speak, but cries instead, and hugs her as tight as he can with the widest smile.

"Ow," she squeaks while being crushed.

"Sorry, I just..." He laughs, rubs his hair, and pulls an engagement ring out of his pocket.

"You're not serious!"

"I wasn't sure, with the laughing and the crying and all, if this would be a good time."

"Oh, no, no, no...it's perfect." She grabs his face and mushes his lips against hers, then pulls back her face, and lifts it straight up with a face of pure ecstasy. "This might be the best idea I've ever had." She laughs maniacally again, but only for a moment, and stops herself almost immediately.

"What was that?"

"Nothing..." she giggles, then puts her lips up to his ear and whispers, "nothing at all." She grabs her espresso and chugs it as fast as possible. "We should make a song."

"Okay." He smiles and chuckles. "About what?"

"Love! Love, I say! Here's the first line, 'When I see your face.'"

"I lose my place."

"In this book of life."

"I know I'll be alright.

"When I see your face."

"I wish nothing ever changed."

"I don't have the time."

"To say that, 'I'm fine.'"

"When I see your face."

"You make me lose my mind."

"In that familiar place."

"Where we met that time."

"And I knew from then on."

"That I'd need that face."

"What I used to depend on."

"Can all be erased."

"I'll leave it behind."

"If it buys me more time."

"To see that face."

"Meet me in that place."

"We don't need any money."

"'cause I have you, my honey."

"And if you walk out that door."

"I'll still always be yours."

She kisses him again and curls into his arms, where she lays for a while, and they breathe in sync.

"I love you."

"Me too..." Her smile fades but she doesn't let him see.