The Innocence Of It

Chapter thirty one

There's a sad silence between me and Louis, a silence that doesn't need to be filled with words or pretend small talk. A few hours ago Louis and I weren't on speaking terms, we weren't even friends but here we are casually sitting on the lawn behind his house like old times, as if nothing's changed, as if we haven't been in a Cold War for the last couple of months.
Arguing and then rekindling our relationship is becoming a very bad, toxic routine for ours.

Sometimes I wish Louis never kissed me that night, then everything would have stayed the same and nothing would have changed. Our friendship would have been intact and I wouldn't have gone through all the pain Louis put me through, but that would mean staying in the friend zone and never knowing what the taste of Louis' lips feels like, what loving someone feels like.

The second Louis and I kissed changed our friendship forever, things are different now, so many things have happened between me and Louis I don't even know where to start from, there's just so much to unpack and so little time. I'm having trouble trying to get my heart to understand what my mind already knows, honestly it's a lot of information to take in. Louis was unbelievably cruel, I can't believe he lives like this, I feel like I don't know him at all!

Louis is a stranger and yet he feels familiar all at once. He is two different people, the best friend I've known and loved all my life and the very cold distant stranger who hides several parts of himself.

I'm still extremely angry, livid, Louis betrayed me, he purposely hurt me and treated me horribly, but as angry as I am at him, I can't afford to waste one of the last few moments I have with him, at least not now. The fact that we're on speaking terms means I'll get all the answers and closure I need but right now my only focus is on him leaving.

Louis is leaving for good. I'm very conflicted, I hate that Louis is leaving but then again, maybe he should leave after all, he's a traitor and liar with no sense of remorse or accountability. This liar, my so called best friend Louis is sitting right next to me, knees propped up resting both forearms on knees, deep in thought. I hate him for angering me, and I hate him for leaving.

Confused, I hold my knees to my chest gazing at Louis with longing, wishing he would lie to me and say it was all a bad dream. "Are you really leaving?" I ask Louis for tenth time today.

"Yeah, I'm leaving." Louis says regrettably, his answer remains the same and my frown deepens. I don't want Louis to go. Us not being friends is one thing, but not seeing him forever is an entirely different thing.Louis is all I've ever known and he's about to vanish out of thin air like he never existed. This isn't the out of sight out of mind life I wanted. Space and distance from him is what I need but I didn't mean he should go to a whole other continent far away from me!

"Is one of the reasons you pushed me away because you're leaving for good?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm but it's wavering and cracking slightly.

Louis sighs and looks at me, guilt etched all over his face. "Yeah, I did. I thought it would make things easier." he says quietly, his voice is drenched with sadness.

"How?" I ask, looking at Louis incredulously. All he did was make me want him more and lose my mind because I was so fixated on getting him back. I couldn't stand to be apart from Louis, it's a miracle I was able to keep my sanity and pick myself up after he rejected me numerous times.

"I was in a bad place Mayamiko. I thought it would make things...less painful, I wasn't thinking straight or at all."

"Well It didn't! I've tried but I can't hate you, ever! All you did is make things worse and now you're leaving!" I cry, tears swimming in my eyes. "Did you want me to hate you? Is that what you really wanted? You would rather I hate you?"