trash star - punznap

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"so who's this sadie? if you're okay with me asking, of course."

"looong story," nick sighs, "or not really, but..."

"complicated?"

"yeah, 's a better word for it i guess."

xen pops a different cd into the little stereo on sam's desk. it starts to spin, and soon enough the quaint breeze from outside is drowned out by the strumming of guitars. he takes a seat beside nick again, patiently awaiting his words.

"sadie is.. a girl in my math class," he explains, "she's cool. we went to a party last week and i was pretty fucked, so we ended up hooking up that night."

he peels at his cuticles, subconsciously praying that they won't start bleeding. it's a bad habit of his and he knows that he needs to kick it, but it's easier said than done.

"and now everyone seems to think we're a thing, even though it was just that one time. i don't know, dude."

"well, do you want it to be a thing?" xen wonders.

"no," nick answers confidently, "me and her have talked already, we're just friends. nothing more."

he gets a hum in return. the white and red checkered curtains sway when a gust of wind sweeps past them. he thinks they look out of place in the otherwise dark and cluttered space. they look more like curtains you'd see at your grandma's house rather than in the bedroom of a teenager.

xen bends his arm and itches his neck, which means that he's thinking deeply about something. the boys have only known each other for about fifteen minutes or so, yet nick has already picked up on the meaning behind the gesture.

"so why don't you just tell them that?" xen eventually proposes, "that you're just friends? tell everyone in school that?"

nick scoffs, "it's not like they're gonna listen. rumors spread faster than wildfire, you know."

"well yeah, but how do you know it won't help if you haven't even tried? you gotta try."

"dude, it's pointless," he laughs, rubbing his dry eyes, "you don't understand. i'm just a loser, they won't listen to a word i say. they'll just go around whispering and wondering why the fuck sadie would date me."

xen raises an eyebrow, shooting him a half-sympathetic half-disappointed look.

"okay, if you're not willing to try then why care so much? stop caring what other people think about you bro. they don't know the truth but you do, and that's what matters. your truth."

nick bites his lip, unable to dismiss the advice. as much as it hurts his already shattered ego to hear that he needs to stop caring, that he needs to man up and quit his whining, he knows that it's real. he can't be acting like this much of a pussy at eighteen years of age.

but how is he supposed to change? how is he supposed to man up when he's nothing? and when he's carrying secrets around that could ruin his life even more? his back might break if he tries to stand up.

"just say fuck 'em all," xen continues, "in ten years who's gonna care? no one. high school is shit anyway, no one likes fucking high school. it's such a small, meaningless part of your life. and besides, rumors die out just as fast as they spread. it'll be over in a week, trust me. don't even worry about it."

nick gets patted on the back as some sort of reassurance. he's thankful, but not convinced. even though it's great advice, he isn't sure he'll be able to follow it.

he'd rather stay in his little bubble of safety for a few more months until high school is over. just a few more months, and he'll be free. then he won't have to worry about people picking on him, or even worse; the whole school finding out that he's gay. that his heart feels like it's gonna jump out of his chest every time he sees the king of all assholes in the hallway - the blond boy who never seems to shut his mouth.

xen just smiles consolingly when he gets no response. he doesn't need one. instead of bringing something new up he reaches into his pocket to grab his phone. nick watches him open instagram out of the corner of his eye.

he doesn't mind the lack of conversation, not at all. but the absence of the other boys is starting to confuse him. how long could it take to get a few packs of beer from the garage? are they making out in there? he shakes his head.

xen likes a meme post before scrolling further down in his feed. he eventually ends up on a post from just a few hours ago, made by a blonde girl with way too much makeup. a blonde girl who looks... oddly familiar to nick.

the realization hits him like a truck.

"wait, is that-" he interrupts before xen can continue, "is that lucy?"

"lucy reed? yeah, she used to be in my class for a while."

the caption is only a heart emoji. nick watches anxiously as xen swipes through the different slides.

a picture of lucy on a sidewalk, holding an expensive handbag. an arcade with dim lights. and then, her and luke posing together, his arms around her waist. him kissing her cheek. holding her hand.

his heart sinks. he feels sick. empty. but also angry, for some reason. jealous. disappointed.

"guess she's got a new boyfriend," xen huffs, double-tapping the post seemingly out of habit.

"yeah, th-that's uh.. that's luke. he's in my school. and lucy too."

the comments are filled with love and kind words from lucy's friends.

you guys are adorable together! <3

congrats!!

cuties <3

giiiirl you're so lucky D:

cutest couple in school

no matter how much he wants to, he can't look away. they're public now. truly official. lucy has thousands of followers, and now they all know. this is for real.

it feels like a stab in the gut, but he can't cry. no, he has to man up and pretend like it's nothing. he has to stop dwelling and get over it. because luke isn't his. luke will never be his. that's just the way it is.

he gazes up at the white ceiling, getting lost in its simplicity and his own thoughts. he has to stop caring. stop caring what other people think about him. he has to be independent. the voice in his head keeps repeating how? but he keeps supressing it. he's not a loser, he's not a loser, he's not a loser.

and he will prove it. he's determined now.

he lets a few different scenarios play out in his mind. maybe he could...

he catches another glimpse of the couple in the pictures. they're smiling, laughing together. his hand pats his jean pocket where his phone is located. yeah.

"i need to go to the bathroom," he tells xen before getting up from the floor. he gets a nod in response.

the door creaks a little as he pushes it open. the hallway outside is empty except for a few cheap paintings and posters on the walls. it's silent. eerily silent.

his chest tightens when he puts the phone to his ear. one signal. two signals. he's doing this.

"hi nick!"

no turning back.

"hi sadie," he says, "can you do me a favor?"

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