Chronically, Me

Eleven

Drew

When Emerson led her away from the nurse's office, she did not expect that he would take her to the football field.

The sight of an empty vast field jarred her mind out of the downward spiral she was descending into. 

She followed him under the bleachers where he stopped and wobbled on his good foot as he slowly lowered himself onto the ground.

He sat on the grass and then, looked up at her in silent offer.

Drew could go back to the class or better, have some rest at the nurse's office.  But Drew didn't have the strength to pick all the loose ends of herself and tie them back to put on a front.

So Drew slid next to him, the dew of the grass seeping into her jeans but she didn't mind it.

They sat in silence for a while before Emerson spoke.

"I watched the Ferdinand movie."

"Did you like it?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

The small effort at a conversation ended a bit too awkwardly for her liking so she didn't say anything further, slipping again into the silence.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Emerson whispered.

Drew knew that he wasn't referring to the movie. She turned her head to find him looking at her. The pure concern and curiosity behind his dark eyes caught her breath.

She could've ignored that question and changed the subject just like she had been doing for a long time. She could've given him a vague answer and gotten it over with.

But Drew realized that she was tired of this pattern. Tired of always having to keep it together. Tired of repressing herself. 

It was this weariness that prompted her to ask. "What went through your mind when you injured yourself?"

That question seemed to surprise Emerson. Too stunned to speak, he just stared at her with raised eyebrows.

After a moment of contemplation, Emerson sighed heavily. "At first, I was confused. It just happened so fast that I couldn't keep up with it. It still feels like that."

Drew nodded, sensing the barely hidden vulnerability behind his words.

"It happened three years ago." Drew started. "I was in the school dance team.  We were preparing for a competition. I was practicing when it happened. It was a jolt in my spine. I didn't feel anything then so I continued."

Emerson watched her carefully.

"Then it came a month later. It was suddenly everywhere. The pain. Till now, it hasn't gone away."

Her voice started to shake but she couldn't stop. Not when she allowed herself to let it go. 

"It breaks me every time I can't find the answer to it. I just feel so sad sometimes. I feel miserable."

She let loose the leash inside and all of her suppressed emotions broke out at once. Her body shook from it. Her hands trembled as she pressed them against her face.

Her breathing was labored as the grief that she had tried so hard to ignore, filled her and snapped away all of her control.

She let herself free for the first time in three years and it scared her how much she had lied to herself over the years.

There was a heavy pressure behind her eyes as the bottled-up emotions rolled out of her in waves. But there were no tears.

She willed herself to cry, to let it out. To release all of it. But she could manage only a half sob to break out of her.

She tried again but nothing came.

"I can't." Frustration built inside her as nothing wet her cheeks. "I can't.... "

Beside her, Emerson put his arm around her to draw her closer. Drew leaned her head against his shoulder.

"It's going to take a while, Drew," he promised as he gently patted her back.

So Drew took his word for it. They stayed like that for a while before Emerson reminded them that they had a class to attend.

When she walked back to class with Emerson beside her, she didn't feel lonely.