Thorn in my Heart

Chapter 8

Amanda's POV

I was about to take a nap in Zander's guess room when I heard my phone go off. I barely used this thing unless for work, Zander and/or music and reading books; so who the hell is texting me?

I lazily took up my phone off the side table and checked, only to find out that it was Parker. At first I was  just not gonna answer but then I thought 'what the hell!' so I just replied.

P:hey Manda how's it going 🙃

Why the hell is this guy so chirpy all the god damn time

Me:hey Parker I'm good 😒

P: okk so ugh wryd (what are you doing)

I rolled my eyes at the question but remembered he can't see me.

Me:ditching skl to get some sleep 😴

I was not lying

P: ok I'll leave you alone to get some rest.
P:txt me when you're not tired... okay?

Really?

Me:ok thx
Me:sure np....bye 👋

P: okay bye babe

WTF!!!!!

Me:👀

P:shit!! I'm sorry

Me: don't worry about it... I was just surprised that's all

I really didn't mind him calling by that cute nickname and it made my tummy do a triple back dismount with butterflies.

P: TTYL (talk to you later)

I quickly turned the phone off and tried to get some rest—key word in that sentence tried. My thoughts were going one million per second.

Why do I feel this way whenever we spoke? What's going on with me?

And just as different feelings started seeping through me,the old ones found a way to creep to the front of my mind and reminded me of how much of a failer I am,how worth less and pathetic I am. I don't deserve happiness or love—all I deserve is pain and suffering. I'm nothing and I'll never be anything.

Then and there my face became a waterfall.

*****

Apparently two hours of crying wasn't enough because I woke up to a terrible nightmare and a panic attack along with it. Zander had left for work and came back to me screaming and crying—right now I'm lying on the bed in his embrace with him trying to calm me down.

"I just want this to end,why can't I just have a normal life like everybody else. I just wanna die, I want this pain to stop, I can't handle this anymore."I cried into his already wet shirt.

"Shhh it's ok, it's ok. I'm always here for you A and I'll always be there for you, just try to calm down. You're the one that saved my life from my psychotic dad when he found out about my sexuality,you helped me get a job and somewhere to live for god knows how long."

"Zander don't try to calm me down or make me feel like I'm some kind of superhero 'caz I'm not—I'm pathetic and weak and a worthless piece of shit who's not loved and I'll never be loved."

"Babe stop that, you're anything but pathetic,weak and worthless. You might not think you're a superhero but you're my superhero,my life and my best friend and don't you ever forget that I love you. You're the only person that accepted me for who I am and I'm extremely greatful for you— and I'll always love you no matter what." This guy needs to stop being so sappy.

And I love him too and I really appreciated what he said.

"So pull yourself together and push those crazy thoughts out of your head, where's that girl that would tell me to fuck off for touching her right now?"he said trying to lighten up the mood.

He's right, I should pull myself together. Crying is for the weak and I'm definitely not weak.

"Ok enough of the sappy bullshit,"I laughed wiping away the tears that are still present on my face.

"That's my girl,now let's go get some ice cream!"he squealed,"this is gonna be so much fun A."

A/n

He's gay!!!!!

Yayyyy

Who expected that?

Thoughts plz! I need to know how y'all feel about the book and all