You Suck

Chapter 9

   What Dante said plays through my head all weekend. I don't even want to go to school. I desperately want to stay at home.  Too much shame. The whole school knows.
    People have text me and sent me Elijah and Candy's stories. Screenshots of Elijah flirting with other girls. I'm embarrassed. Elijah unfollowed my Instagram and I unfollowed his too. For some reason I still can't delete our pictures.
    I feel stupid for it.  I am going to put my strong face on and act like everything is just fine. My phone lights up. "Remember to try to smile today." -Kim. I smile at the text and send her a smiley face.
    I'm drained. Everything is so weird now. I feel so torn. The act has been shown and now I don't even know if I can show my face. Uncle D pulls up to the school and my heart starts beating out of my chest.
    "Have a good day! I love you! Call me if you need me!" "Okay." I walk to the entrance and feel like everything is going in slowmotion. My hand shakes as I push the door open. A few people stare at me.
    Most of them are athletes or know/know of Elijah. Our break up was kind of a big deal. Everyone knew we were together. I see Tae talking to April. He tries his best not even look at me.
    No "Hey!", "Wassup, Farrah!","My girl Farrah!". Just hesitation and avoidance. It doesn't feel right. "Hey,Tae." It slips out and automatically regret the words that just came out of my mouth.
    He looks at me and April snickers. "Uh, hey Farrah." He says awkwardly and dryly. He turns back around and April hollers with laughter. An old heffer.
    I feel alone and start to regret my past actions. I was so worried about how people viewed me,what circle I had, and if my circle was lame or popular. Now look at me. I've hurt them and they have moved on. Kim is the only one that will kind of talk to me.
   More people start to stare as I go to class. I am highly embarrased. Some people whisper and laugh. It was only at this time I wanted to be in the shadows of this school. For no one to know my name or care to know it.
    I want to be invisible. I honestly don't know why I want to be so popular. I guess it's the thought of people knowing who you are without really knowing who you are.. I don't know. When you're popular you are on a pedestal.
    Things come easier. It is who you know. The parties, hang outs, social media followers it gives you a rush. My uncle D and I had a conversation way back in seventh grade when I "first started to change". He told me "Farrah, do not get so caught up with trying to be like everyone else that you lose who you truly are. Some people and things are temporary. You might want to chill out."
    I don't think I kind of understood until now. I honestly don't feel I changed much. I just stopped caring. People were super mean to me and once seventh grade came I gave them nothing to make fun of me for. I stopped hanging with certain people, lost weight, and changed my style. People finally started treating me well and my name was known.
   My social media grew and I adopted a new friend group. People started throwing themselves at me to be friends or to date. Things were temporarily good.