Storytime

Anxiety

My fingers twiddle anxiously in front of my face. My heart races and I sweat. I've never had any problems with anything before but now, I am in pain and afraid. Before I collapse with worry, I shout for my mum.
"Mum!" She runs up the stairs into my bedroom, panting.
"Yes my darling?"
"Can I talk to you? Please?"
"Of course." She smiles and sits beside me on the bed.
"There's this person. In my class. New today. I... I was horrible to them. They... Have a condition. When I last saw them... Oh god mum I think I might've killed them."
"Darling I'm sure you haven't killed them. They'll be okay I promise."
"I... There was something about them. It was different. They... I felt sorry for them, for the first time in... Since I was 4."
"Illeya, I know why."
"Why?"
"You're in love."

Josie. Josie Sim. 15 years old, like me. Brunette, brown curls hanging down to her shoulders. Her eyes, I cannot tell the colour. I never looked deep enough. When you look in her eyes, you see hurt but happiness. Her eyes tell her story. And so does her smile. Her smile... She doesn't use it a lot so you can tell she hates it.
Then there's me. Strawberry blonde hair, turquoise eyes, a combination of blue on the inside, a yellow green inside the rim. I don't count myself as beautiful but people are always telling me how I am. I always tell myself they lie, no matter how self confident I am. Or used to be. When I look in the mirror, I see an ugly, insecure girl. I act the popular, self obsessed girl at school but in reality, I'm as insecure as insecure gets, no matter what people tell me. No one knows. I guess I'm not sure of who I am. Much. You know? I know name, age, personality, appearance. Just... Not myself.

When I go to school the next morning, I keep my head down. I hide my ever growing insecurity. I fake smiles when all my 'friends' come up to me and pat my shoulders like nothing ever happened with that girl, Josie.
"Nice defence yesterday with that girl."
"Josie. Her name was-is- Josie."
"Hey what's up with you?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all." Before they can ask any more questions, I run off down the corridor, books in my arms.

The first class is like living a nightmare. My eyes continue to avert to the empty space beside me. At this point, the teacher or the lesson mean nothing to me. But then I notice that the lesson hasn't even started, the teacher isn't even here. Yet, as the teacher finally enters, I can tell something is wrong.
"Now, class, I have some bad news." Oh God...
"What is it sir?" A boy pipes up in the corner of the class.
"The girl who joined us yesterday, Josie Sim, is in hospital, in a very bad condition." Oh God no...
"What's happening sir?" Another girl says.
"Such a weakling." One of the lesser popular kids says.
"Her lungs are failing." At those words, I stand up from my seat and run out of the class. I don't get very far before one of the teaching assistants grabs my arm and stares at me, sternly.
"Come with me. It is clear we need to talk."

"I'm fine. Honestly. I don't need the likes of you fussing over me."
"Do you have a connection to that girl?"
"Her name is Josie."
"Do you have a connection to Josie then?" She says, sitting back in her chair, her hands clasped in front of her."
"No. None."
"Then why did you run out of class at the mention of her condition?"
"Because... Because..." I stutter. My heart pounds and I breathe heavily. Panicking, I stand and rush out the door. Before I can even get close to exiting the school, I pause, panting and sweating. My legs fail to hold me and before I know it, I lie on the ground, unconscious.

It seems as if I am out for an age. Darkness clouds my mind yet I manage one thought, one question. What the hell is wrong with me? The only person that lies on my mind, giving me a heavy conscience is Josie Sim. But why? I have no connection with her. But then I remember what my mum said. 'You're in love.' But I can't be. She's... She's a girl... I mean, eww. I can't be... Gay can I? My mind swirls as I struggle to get my head around it all. Gay? Me? No...

"Hey sweetheart."
"Mum?"
"You're awake!"
"Mum!" I throw my arms around her and smile.
"Hey. I have some news on Josie."
"What?"
"Shes doing well. Her condition has improved."
I smile and close my eyes.
"You're at home, don't worry."
"I need to see her." I stand and head out the door of my room, ignoring the dizziness. I have to see Josie.