Storytime

Chapter 22- All is Lost

The darkness is beautiful. The darkness is my only warmth. It's arms enclose around me and I feel safe. There's nothing left to believe in, nothing left to wish for. I stare up at the stars, sitting in the same position as I have for the last week. A week. Only a week since the final goodbyes. I can't help but sit here, staring at her name engraved on a stone that will degrade over time. It's not enough. It could never be enough for her. The past tense is painful, the mental scars even more so.  The dirt that covered her body six feet down would still be buried by grass if it weren't for me. Everyone knows that. No one accepts that. I killed the only person I knew I loved and she, she never even knew. Because I was stupid enough to believe that being in love with her was the worst thing that could happen.

And there her grave just sits. Neglected in the middle of a sea of forgotten bodies. Hers lay under the freshly dug dirt, wearing a shirt of pristine white and jeans a faded denim. Not that anyone would ever remember that other than me. Her face was pure, her brunette fringe tickling the right side. She looked so beautiful, even in death. And it's all my fault. Not one person has told me not to blame myself cos they know just as well as I do that it is my fault. Her dad's lucky to be alive. I'm lucky to be alive. I shouldn't be alive I should be dead. It should be me down there. But it's not. It's the one person of the world that never deserve it but got it anyway. It's just not fair.

I wake up from a sleep I didn't know I was in. My neck aches from lying on a stone cold floor for the night. As my vision blurs into focus, I see a girl standing just outside the gate. She wears the same outfit as Josie does in her grave, her face is as pure as Josie's and it takes me too long to realise- it is Josie.

"This is not your fault baby. It was always going to happen. Please don't blame yourself." Her voice is as soft as ever and my heart begins to race again.

"I'm so so sorry. I never got the chance to say I love you..." The tears spring into my eyes again as the words come from my mouth.

"Hey, stop right there. It's okay. You never needed to say it." She smiles but I can't return it. I know it was all my fault. I know she's not really here. But I let the mirage play on, just so I have one last shot at finally being honest.

"I love you, Josie. I always did. I'm sorry that it didn't happen the way we wanted it to. I miss you so much." I burst into tears. She comes closer, placing herself beside me and pulling me into her chest. Then the mirage is ended by my head hitting the hard floor once again. I knew she wasn't there but I had to pretend she was. It was the only way to accept it. The tears keep flowing and I have not the strength to lift my head once again. I don't care if I die. At least then I'll be with her.

"Illeya? Is that you?" Another voice emerges through the air. Strong hands pull my head up and I stare at the face with wide eyes. I know I cannot trust my judgement, at all, but this is one face I know I have to recognise.

"Ryan!" I yell, throwing my arms around him. His blue shirt, brown hair, grey eyes all match. He has to be real, he just has to be. But when he doesn't put his arms around me in return, I recall what the doctors said to all of us.

"We can't know what she saw in that world. There may be some cross over issues for the first few months." 

If he isn't real, he must be the first.

"Oh I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing..." I whimper as he stares me right in the eyes.

"It's okay, Spitfire. You don't need to be okay yet." He smiles sadly, dragging me in close to his chest. I lift my head off his chest, staring at him in confusion.
"Wait. What are you doing here?" I may not remember much of the life I had before, but I remember enough to know he only ever cared about my looks.
"You really don't remember much, do you?"
"You never cared about me. You just wanted a popular girlfriend to brag about."
"That was before. Look, the school really does care about you. I'm here on behalf of them I guess."
"They have a funny way of showing it."
"I know. But that's school for you, hey. Do you know when you'll be back?"
"I'm supposed to be going back tomorrow."
"Well, we're all here for you when you do." I smile, resting my head on his shoulder. I can feel his warm breath tickling my forehead. It's the only form of calm I've had since whatever happened happened. But even with a friend I know I can trust and a school that may or may not be on my side, I wish more than anything I was back in that world.

The sky darkens to a gradient of blue to yellow. Duck. My eyes slowly flutter open and I feel fingers clasping my side. As I raise my head, I realise that ryan-ben- is still sat there. His arm is around my back, my side touching his. He stares off into the distance. I don't know what he's focusing on but the look in his eyes is so... Blank. The whites of his eyes are bloodshot and I can almost feel them burning with the pain of trying to stay awake. The scariest part is, I know exactly why he holds them open.

"Ben..." I whisper, staring sorrowfully at the side of his face. It's clear he doesn't want to be here. He refuses to turn to me but I can see the words sticking in his throat, their sharp edges like knives on his tongue. His face zones out like his body isn't connected to it anymore and i watch the last light in his eyes die as he chokes on the words he's too afraid to say. I shuffle away from his arm, turning my front towards his side. My fingers slide into his as my lip begins to tremble.

"Why are you really here, Ben? You're not here for me." The silence builds as he lowers his head, his chin gently resting on his chest. His eyelids close over his eyes and I watch one last waterfall cascade from his pools of despair. I don't know him enough to know how often this happens, but I've never seen a boy so open with his tears.

And then there's the flash of recognition buzzing on his lips. The pink returns to them. They part for the first time since I'd fallen asleep.

"You're the last part of her I have to hold onto. And I must be desperate to come to you. She loved you, Illeya. And you killed her. Being here is amplifying the terrifying burning in my chest every time I think of her name, but you're my last link to her. However much it hurts to remember what you did to her, you were the one thing that never left her mind. You're my only chance of connecting with her again." For a moment, I sit in a stunned silence. Ben, the boy who just wanted to use me to rise in status, opening his heart out to me about a girl I thought he didn't know. Then he tilts his head to look at me and I can see Josie's innocence, I can see the part of her in those eyes of his and I realise. He had a connection to her that I could never dream of. Because after all, blood is thicker than water and their connection ran deeper than the heart. Their connection was rooted at the soul because she was the long lost sibling he would always talk about that he found by chance. I'd killed his last chance at a child and his last chance at saving a childhood he'd already lost. I'd killed the biggest part of him. He's lost because of something I did. Once again the realisation ends on the same thought- it should have been me. I don't deserve the fantasy world that I got before waking up to the cruel reality. All I deserve is the 13 steps to hell.