Storytime

Chapter 21- What The Fuck- Again?

This can't be happening

What am I supposed to say? Everybody's smiles haunt me. They are all so happy but me? I wish I could just close my eyes and go back to the world with her. Her. Josie. Of course!
"Where's Josie?"
"Oh sweetheart..." The first face I saw speaks again, her eyes pleading and pathetic. There is nothing but pain. Nothing but torture. As reality hits me all too hard once again. My body, broken, bruised and damaged. I got off lightly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two weeks later:
"We are here today to mark the passing of Josie Sim..." His voice drones on and on as I stare at the white ivory of the coffin the girl I love lies in for eternity. My mind recalls nothing except the fantasy world I lived in for the months I was dying. I was clueless. I was scared. I woke up to unfamiliar faces and consoling tears. I didn't believe them. I couldn't. And it is only now that the truth hits me and I sit in the pews in floods of tears. Until it comes to my turn.

"I, er... Erm..." All I can do is stutter. My 'mum' stands by my shoulder encouraging me. I take a deep breath in and let it out. It does nothing to calm my nerves.
"Josie is... Was... By far the best girl I'd ever met. We... Didn't get off to the best of starts but... I guess I was jealous. I know how bad that makes me. But... She did so much to protect me. Or, at least, that's how I remember her. She accepted me for the real me. Not the stuck up popular bitch I acted as. She helped me when I was weak. And I'll be forever wishing I could have done the same. She-" An insistent ringing begins in my ears and I wince. I glimpse her parents, their tears not only for the loss of her daughter but for me. I found out a while after that I'd made her happy and that they'd never seen her smile so brightly. As the rest of the words just come out as noises, and the tears well up in my eyes and choke me, I rush out of the doors and slump to the ground by the walls of the churchyard. I look around me, staring at all the neglected graves, wilting flowers and forgotten names.
Josie will be one of them soon.
Nothings right. It isn't right. I don't remember anything, Josie's dead and I'm living in fear of every day of my life. They said that sometimes comas cause hallucinations but how could I know that world wasn't real? All of me wished it was. Josie never knew how I felt about her, not really.
And then, my heart rate increases rapidly and I find it hard to breathe. Sure enough, standing behind the huge memorial just beside the gate was him. I gasp, trying to convince myself he's not real. But the eyes never lie, especially not when it comes to him.
"Please no. Just leave me alone!" I yell, shaking my head.
"You killed her Illeya. This is your fault. All. Your. Fault." He takes a few steps forward, the ground crunching beneath his menacing footsteps.
"No. No. I didn't do this. I didn't-"
"And how exactly can you be sure of that? You don't remember anything. How do you know you didn't?"
"I didn't do it!"
"Josie's dead because of you, Illeya. Think about that." His words echo harshly in my ear as he walks away.
"I didn't kill her! I didn't do it!" He disappears as the last words trail out of my mouth. But he's right. I don't remember anything. For all I know, I did kill her. And I might never remember.

The tears streak my cheeks as I stare at my hands. What if I did kill her? What if she's dead because of me?

"NO!" I scream, grabbing a stick and throwing it across the cemetery. 

"Are you okay?" My mum appears from behind the stone. I look up at her, the tears burning my eyes.

"Oh sweetheart..." She lifts me up and pulls me into her. Once she lets go of me, I just stand there, staring into the darkness of her eyes. There's a slight fear in them and I see her take a few steps back from me. Then a voice comes from inside of my head, it's words contaminating my thoughts.

Her blood is on your hands...

"Mum"

"Yes sweetheart?" Her voice shakes. She's afraid of me.

"How did it happen?" Her face turns grave and she bites her lip. I know what is to come. I can see it in the way her body is arched, the way her eyes are sad, the way her face droops.

"You don't remember." She doesn't ask it as a question, just says it as a statement in a harsh tone I'd never heard her use before.

"Just tell me. Don't sugar coat it." I knew what but I didn't know how. I didn't know why. How could I kill the only girl I'd ever loved? Why would I kill her?

"You were in the car together. Her dad was driving. You were dancing in the back seats to the music on the stereo. You kept tapping him on the shoulder, getting him to join in. At one point he got so mad he turned round to yell at you, lost control of the car. It crashed into  a tree on the side of the road. One of her attacks was triggered but you and her dad were unconscious. There was no one to help her. When someone found you, she was already dead, you were barely breathing and her dad was crying over her dead body. She died because you were reckless, Illeya." Her face turns sad as she walks away, leaving me staring into space, my hands shaking. He was right. I did it. I killed her. It was all my fault.

Her coffin is lowered into the ground. Her parents share their tears. My mum can't look at me. My dad holds her shoulders, staring blankly at the dirt piled around her grave. As her coffin in and the stone put in place, her parents stand around it, placing roses in front of her name. I can never take back what I did. I can never bring her back. I can never bring the real me back. I remember what the doctors said when I woke up.

Short term memory loss is perfectly normal in situations like yours.

All I hope is that my memory never comes back. I don't want to remember the lives I ruined. I don't want to remember how I killed her. I don't want to remember...