Theirs two foxes

Chapter 10

Im freezing.

Its not even winter.

But im also naked on the floor of the forest.

The vine is still tightly around my neck but no longer strangling me because of the relaxed angle. 

Why aren't I dead?....

I begin to shake, tears start streaming down my face as I curl up tightly. My destroyed body on show to the world. For them to see just how worthless I am. 

I hear the birds chirping. But its still night. My limbs still feel numb but.....im just so cold. 

I cant help but let out a sob at the thought that suicide.....I cant even do that right. I failed. Completely. Im so fat that the vine snapped. It fucking snapped. 

"Derek?" I hear my name being screamed but I dojt make a single effort to move. Not that I can. I've got such a burning pain in my neck. "DE-oh my god-" they cut themselves off when I see the state im in. Shivering, curled into a ball with the clear sign I tried to hang myself, "who did this to you?" He mutters which pisses me off.

Why are they all so oblivious to my pain and suffering?! Am I not doing that right either? I'm good for Nothing. Worthless. Ill never be good enough for this. Any of this. There's a reason I was always forgotten. Everyone knew how pointless my life was so they decided to ignore it. 

I cant even have a fucking baby. What id give to have a daughter. A little princess. I want a baby so bad......and yet.......I cant. 

"Come on, talk to me  Derek!" He snaps, trying to pull apart the rope that's simply too tight for him to get a good enough grip with his shaking hands. He's shaking because he knows what I did. 

"Der-No.....Oh my god, my boy, my precious boy-" 

No, not dad.....

"What did you do? What did you do?!" He sobs, also trying to pull it off. But I dont want it off. I deserve to suffer. I deserve the pain. Consiquense to being so.....pathetic. 

I cant even tolerate my own brother. Cant even stand him. His life. Whys he so perfect? 

"Derek, dont shut your eyes, dont you fucking dare!" Luke shouts at me when I go to fall back to sleep. But I feel so tired. I try to mutter the word but nothing comes out. So I shut my eyes, ignoring them when one of them slaps me around the face. "I said NO!" Luke shouts so loud at me and my heart stops. I stare up at him in shock, "do not. Shut your. Eyes!" He says so firmly its as if he's just controlled my mind. I dont wanna shut my eyes no more. 

I relax for some reason. Hes in control. My mate has me. Hes keeping me safe.

I softly smile up at him with tears in my eyes. Even my dad takes a breath in when he sees the smile I give him. Holding onto his hand as tight as I can as I swing move it back and forth for some unknown reason. My brain has died. I feel so foggy. 

I feel a light against my eye, the slurred voices calling my name as they try to wake me up from my frozen form, "here he is-" i blink a few times to let my eyes adjust to the new lighting and I like what I see. 

My eyes go straight to Luke who doesn't attempt to look up. The pain and guilt I feel is making this worse. I wanna feel something else. Something better. I dont wanna be in pain no more. "Please." I whisper to them with so much pain in my voice. 

"Please?" The tension instantly shoots up when Luke finally speaks up, "please what? Please let you die? Please let you go?" He asks with so much anger in his voice, "your asking your own fucking mate to let you die, do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" His voice begins to raise making me tense, "what am I supposed to do then? An alpha with no mate is only half the Alpha they could be." He shouts, "a husband to a person whos not right for them will never be a worthy one!" He growls, "and a father to a child whos mother isn't right is weak, I'd never love my baby as much as I would if its yours." He snarls, "your selfish-" I stop breathing at that, "your selfish because you take for granted what you have. You beg and beg but pick and choose between what your given-" have i? "I've tried to show you love and care but what did you do? You ran away, you pushed me back, you refused, you attacked-" he snaps angrily. "Dont I get a say in this? Cant you understand and listen to what I feel? My emotions and feelings. How the fuck do I live on knowing I was never good enough for my mate?!" He sobs, tears suddenly breaking through him. He walks back before crouching to the floor, "im trying-" he sobs, "why can't YOU see that IM trying for YOU!" he shouts, getting up and coming over. "I'll always love you, whether you want me or not. I will also never see anyone but you and my heart only belongs to you, I physically can't love anyone else the way I love you, Derek and here you are, taking my heart and ripping it to fucking pieces." He shouts, "your brother may be a spoilt, self centred prick, and you may have gone through shit that no one seems to understand the pressure of-" he takes my hand, "but I'm your mate and I know exactly how you feel-" he swollows another sob, "because your doing what everyone else did to you, you hypocritical fuck." He throws my hand away from his before leaving the room. 

Hhhhuuuuuh.....

When someone is starved from food for a long period of time, its dangerous to just force them to eat something because your body needs to build immunity to it. Same with water. If you suddenly start drinking water again, it will go through you and you will be peeing so much, but over time you'll stop needing to pee every five seconds because your body builds immunity to the water. It goes for anything and everything. Dairy. If you stop eating and drinking all dairy items you become lactose intolerant because your bodies immunity to dairy weakened. Glucose too. Meat. Vegetarians throw up meat when they try it because they're not immune to it, luckily, they can build immunity. 

Im not immune to the affection Luke threw at me. It was, no love......then first look from this guy and he was always there. Wanting to get to know me and talk to me. I felt freaked out. I felt....self conscious almost. And im most deffinstly nervous about him and our relationship. 

I've never had a real relationship before. Its always been flings and my longest girlfriend was a high-school one week relationship that ended because her friends told her I was flirting with another girl when I honestly couldn't figure out the name of said girl. 

I wanted my dad to see. I wanted people to see just how shitty there drop of gold was. I wanted to state my worth. I wanted them to know why I was the way I was. I didnt want to be bullied anymore. I was sticking up for myself and each and every attempt was thrown away with the wind for something that they thought was more important. 

They think that bad of me that they really thought that I was only looking for dad to gain popularity. Yeah...no. I wanted my dad back because he was the only one who seemed to know how to keep the peace in my family. He was the only one who would come into my room at night and say good night to me. He would take me on late night and early morning runs that weren't just for excersise purposes. He cooked my favourite meal every Wednesday. Raden got the other days of the week, but Wednesday was my favourite day of the week, despite having had bad lessons on Wednesday, my dad made it my favourite day just by cooking a certain meal. 

And he vanished

He was taken and suddenly.....I became the villan to my hero. The hero lost to the villan and it didn't make sense. My world ended. Everything just.....failed.

I went from small bardges to the shoulder, to full blown being thrown to the floor in one night. 

So I spent my whole life dedicated to finding the one thing that ment the world to me. That map is the reminder that I did it. Not just to others, but to myself. I did it. 

And they don't understand. Non of them understand. And after I poored everything out to them. I reached out with my heart and....they rejected it. There was no violence. No alcohol involved.....but they still rejected me. 

Because im that worthless. 

That pathetic.

Meaningless

Waste of time. 

And thats what finished it. 

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and they suffocated me. 

I dont know why i was so....blind to Lukes love but...I....."im sorry." I whisper so quietly. But I was just so scared. I didnt know what was going to happen after I found him. Somewhere in my mind I thought I wasn't ever going to find him and I'd spend my entire life searching for something that ill never find. I thought Alcohol was going to kill me before I found him. Because I believed everyone's thoughts saying I was useless. Worthless. Good for nothing. I believed them. 

So when I actually found him. Thanks to that creepy old man. Tomorrow scared me. I got so blinded by anger that I didnt have the capacity to think about the rest........the other options. I was so crazed to avenge my broken soul, to get revenge for what they all caused of me that...I became blind to the rest of my life. 

From the first day I started drinking I planned my death. I wanted to drink till it killed me because I was to afraid to do it another way and I was too desperate to see my father for one last time. 

And then things got in the way and all sorts of different pressure started being thrown at me and it didn't fit and I exploded.

And.....I changed and became this arrogant, alcoholic looser who wanted everyone's attention but those who willingly gave me their attention. 

Now not even those want to give me any. And Luke will always love me.....because im his mate and he has to. 

What a cruel world.