My Twisted Tale of a Life

The First of Many Breakdowns

I was lying in my bed, and my mind was racing. I could tell I wasn't far from having an anxiety attack. It was times like this when I missed Kim and Willow. It had been months since the last time they spoke to me, and I couldn't help but wonder how they were doing. I wondered if they were as miserable as I was.

I know, I know. I have no right to be miserable. People have it worse than I do. I have a roof above my head, I have a bed to sleep on when I return from a job that I enjoy, I have food to feed me each night. But I still was.

I guess that's the thing. It doesn't matter what you do or do not have, if you get stuck with the burden that is depression, or loneliness, or anxiety, you can't just remember what you have and everything is better. Just thinking that people have it worse than you not only makes you upset because they don't have that, but it makes you feel worse, leaving you feeling selfish for being so upset even with all that you have.

"You're a smart girl, Taylor!" "You're so talented!" "You're beautiful!" "You have such a kind heart." None of this helped. Nothing anybody could tell me would make me feel better. Nothing anybody told me was something that I believed about myself.

I thought about finding a way to contact Willow. I figured she would be easier to approach than Kim. But then I reminded myself that they were the ones who told me not to talk to them.

I tried to stop thinking about them. To stop thinking about the friends I had lost. My mind turned to thinking about the friends I had. I didn't really have any friends. I had Annemieke and Rob, and I had Alex, but that was different. I mean, Annemieke was married, and Alex had a kid. They couldn't just go out with me on a spur-of-the-moment decision. Nobody in the cast was single besides Alex, but he had Lucy. I was also the youngest one, which sucked.

Somehow my mind wondered back to Ohio, where I was born and grew up until I left for New York. Sure, I hated every second I lived there for the last few years. But I missed it. Actually, I couldn't tell if I missed it or I missed the memories. While thinking about Ohio, I started to think about my parents. God, how I missed them. I couldn't believe that they had already been gone for six years. It didn't feel real, even know. Even though they weren't the best parents, and had the tendency to treat me poorly, I missed them a lot.

All of the kittens were lying on my stomach. I realized I was crying when Midnight licked a tear off my face. I pet her back, which she enjoyed. I hadn't fed them yet today, so I went and fed them. When I got back to my bed, I glanced at the clock. It was already 3:30?

I called Annemieke and asked her if she was already at the theatre. She told me that she, too, had lost track of time, she had been out with Rob. I asked her if on her way to rehearsals, she could come and pick me up, and she said that it was no problem. While I was waiting for her to arrive, I decided to take a shower and clear my head. When I got out of the shower and got dressed, I walked to the kitchen to get my water bottles for rehearsal, only to be startled by Annemieke. She was sitting on my couch playing with the kittens, and when she saw how much she had scared me, she began laughing. When I caught my breath, I started laughing too. When we both regained our composure, she gave me a strange look.

"What?"

"You've been crying?"

"What? No I haven't..."

I started to walk away from her, to actually get my water bottles, and she took notice to the way I had trailed off. She stood and grabbed my arm, pulling me back.

"You were so crying. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. "

I tried to shake the question off, to just go on with the day and head to rehearsals. But, I couldn't. As I shook my head to tell her I was fine, I lost it showing her I wasn't. I started crying again, and I let out a quiet yelp. I didn't know what to do anymore. Ever since the night everything went crashing down with my parents, I've been depressed, and since I lost Kim and Willow I've been miserable. I loved it in Holland, I loved being in Wicked with the amazing cast I had, but I couldn't stand this anymore. Annemieke pulled me into her arms, and enclosed me in a hug. She hugged me tightly as I sobbed into her shoulder. She pulled my hair back, and she raised me up a bit to see my face. She wiped a few tears away, and she looked in my eyes and told me that everything was going to be okay, but I wasn't so sure. She pulled me close again, and we stood there for what felt like forever, her just holding me. Once I regained myself, I told her I was sorry, and I got my water. While we were in her car heading to the theatre, she told me that I had nothing to apologize for. She said that she was always there for me, no matter what happens, and that she's always just a call away, even if it's at two in the morning. She said that she was sorry for whatever was so terrible that caused me to lose it. I didn't say much back to her, but a simple thank you. I didn't know what to say. When we got to the theatre, we sat in her car for a couple minutes while she did my make-up so that nobody would be able to tell I had been crying, and she told me that she would keep it between us. We went into the theatre, and during rehearsal my worst nightmare came true.

Sorry for such a depressing chapter, and sorry that I didn't fully explain what happened with her parents! I ensure you that what happened with her parents, as well as how Kim and Willow are, will be explained in later chapters. What do you think about what happened with Annemieke? What do you think her worst nightmare is?