I've just realized how badly I want to be loved and comforted by someone and to be shown that I do have worth. But I'm too scared to even let anyone in that far because I'm scared that they'll get uncomfortable with me and that I'll be alone and worthless again. And I realized how bad that feeling was when I realized my obsession- dare I say addiction- to reader insert fics is the only time I could feel that comfort and love. Especially the familial ones. Because they aren't real, then I won't have to worry about the shit I might have to possibly face if they were. Because its my escape from a reality in which I'm too scared to be truly loved that I can't even love myself.
And because of that, I indulge myself into a utopia I can only experience through a screen for hours upon hours a day. Its like a drug to me.
And I can't say anything about it because of that same fear.
I play all this off as a joke.
-
-
-
-
At some point when I was young, I was the same way, probably not as bad as it is now. But then one day it stopped and it was at a time where I felt like I was actually wanted. Me reading fanfics was slowed down until it became something I wasn't super into.
Until eventually the one that made me feel wanted left me without a word multiple times, making my feelings feel conflicted. Every time I saw or even just thought about them, I felt the urge to cry. And most times I had trouble keeping the emotions and waterworks in.
Then I went back to reading fanfic more and more. Just like you would a drug. And that addiction has become worse and worse. Especially since I've forced myself to not get too attached to person anymore.
And yeah, sure. I'm conscious of that fact that its become a problem. But its not stopping me because its the only things that'll keep me happy.
Its sad. Really. But what can I say. I'm a bit of a weirdo that complains online a little too much for their own good.
