I want to die. I literally wish I never even existed. I dont even want to be here. People can go on and on about how I must be so lucky but there's nothing lucky or good about it if the people who are supposed to care for you and support you base your worth on your success.
When they don't care if you feel like shit because of them simply because you're a total fucking disappointment because you can never be anything more than what you already are. When they say you have no respect for them after finding out how much of a failure you really are.
I've never been anything good since the beginning anyway. I never actually won anything nor have I gotten totally superb marks. I cant socialize for shit and I dont have anyone I'm close enough with to confide everything in because I'm so fucking scared of them finding out I'm not as good as they thought I was. And then they'll hate me too because everything I do is worthless. Everything I can say I can do, there's always someone better than me. Someone my parents will always compare me to.
I cant even enjoy things the same way I used to. Art isn't fun anymore. I hate drawing. I hate writing. I hate reading. School ruined everything. My parents ruined everything by comparing every little thing I do with someone else.
My parents think I'm too chubby and I should look like my cousins. They think my grades aren't good enough and I should be like everyone else. I'm not pretty enough for them either. Maybe I should be more like my cousins and friends. They're talented. I'm not. They're successful in what they do. I'm not. Everyone else is everything my parents want. But I'm not.
I'm not even allowed to say my own opinions if it contradicts theirs because then they'll get mad and say I'm such an ungrateful child. That I should be more thankful that they're giving me a roof to live under and food to eat and water to drink and clothes to wear and the chance at an education. Most of which are the bare fuckibg minimum. I dont want any of that or anything if I'm gonna feel like shit for the rest of my life.
And I've felt like I'm worth nothing for so fucking long and only now has it really started to reflect on every single thing I do. I cant even be bothered to take care of myself.
I wish that they just stuck with four goddamn kids instead of making one more stupid one. Why did they even decide to get me.
Their love and care feels like it's full of conditions that I can never meet. I feel like I dont actually matter to them. It feels like the image I give off of my family is all that matters. I'm a fucking embarrassment to them. They've already told me before.
I cant stand it. I wish I could I just pop out of existence. Dissapear. Die. I dont know. I dont care. I just want to be gone. There's no point in me being here. There's no point im keeping a kid they don't want.
