TW! Mention of suicide
Y/N POV:
Fuck life, Dua just slapped me cuz I couldn't give her what she wanted.
Dua is the perfect golden child, to my parents, but in reality, she's just a bitch who wants her sister to kill herself... What if I end it all would they even care? Probably not
She treats her fans better than she treats me, to be honest. Sometimes, I wish we never changed, our family changed, they look me down, and treat Dua like she's a queen.
Well I wish things just changed, but they don't, and I can't accept the fact that they don't.
It hurts the way this is how we get to live, it's like, I already bought a ticket and there's no turning back now. Not gonna lie, it was nice for a few seconds, until people start looking down at me, like I'm some disgusting peasant.
Maybe I do it today? I mean, they won't even care if I kill myself. Even though we're on tour everyone, including Rina's boyfriend, I don't give a fuck, they never gave a shit about me anyways, so they better not give a fuck today.
I'm right now crying in my bunk, struggling to think straight. Rina said it's time to eat lunch, but I just don't respond. I lie down, then sink deep into the mattress, which is luckily soft as a fucking cloud.
I finally fall asleep. As a sleep deprived teenager, this is a surprise to me.
After a what feels like seconds, I get woken up by a fucking slap. I open my eyes to see Dua looking at me, FURIOUS. Oh I'm dead, "Did you take my fucking hoodie?!" She shouts at me, I shake my head no. I really didn't. "ANSWER ME YOU BITCH!" She yells in demand. "N-no, I didn't-" She cuts me off with another slap. "Liar. I'm checking your bunk." She says, shoving me out of my bunk. Shit I hope she doesn't find my notebook.
5 minutes later she doesn't find anything, but she pulls out my vent book. My eyes widen as I felt my heart sunk. "Dua, Not my notebook Please!" I say as I try to grab it from her. "Please! I'm begging you!" I say, now in tears. "Fine, bitch." She spat, throwing my notebook to my face. It fell to the floor, so then I picked it up. I run back to my bunk and cry. I check every page to make sure nothing's gone.
Nothing is. I sigh.
I put my earbuds in, and blast music, loud enough to drown out every thought.
-
After 2 hours of sleeping, which is a shocker. I wake up, no sound can be heard, my earbuds fell off, but still, there's no Dua shouting at me, no nagging from mom. They left me alone for the first time. I find my ear buds, and put them in the case, then I went out of my bunk. I went straight to the kitchen, to check if they left a note or something.
And just like I assumed, there was a note.
It said:
"Hey y/n,
We all went to Dua's soundcheck, if you get hungry there's food in the fridge, just heat it up. Don't do anything stupid please. Message me if you need anything. Please be careful doing anything, knowing that you're clumsy as hell.
Love, Rina."
She's honestly the cutest, I love her the most. Well other than Gjin, but still. Gjin and Rina are always there for me.
I walk to the bathroom. I need to cut, self harming for me is like air to you, I can't seem to live without it. If I don't self harm, it's like I'm suffocating, it's like I can't ever breathe, but it's not me who's wanting to do this. It's the voices in my head, I can never shut them out.
I am desperately looking for a blade, I don't even care if it's the one for shaving. I just need one.
I look in the cabinets, nothing. Oh, I know where it is now! It's in the secret compartment under the shampoo I use. I open the cabinet my hygiene products are in, and grabbed my shampoo, no one knows about this. Not a single person on earth.
I open the compartment, and make sure to lock the door. I take a blade out, and glide it over my skin, creating little pressure. My arms now has blood all over it. Shit! I notice the blood dripping onto my pants and hoodie. I immediately stand up, and hold on the sink, as I am light headed.
I wash my arm. I wince as water seeps in my cuts.
I walk my way to my bunk, then I hear the door open. "We're backkk!" Dua shouts. Oh Fuck no. They're back already. God damn it. I hate it, but on the bright side, I can cuddle with Rina or Gjin whenever I want to. "Y/N we got you foodddd!" Rina shouts from the kitchen. "I'm not hungry!" I shout back. "Shut the fuck up!!" Dua yells. "Ok! Sorry!" I say.
I, once again, am listening to music, drowning the outside world.
-
(When tour ended, cuz I am lazy)
Sigh, finally we're back home after a long 6 months in tour. I can finally sleep in my own bed.
I just finished unpacking, now I'm gonna just sleep, I'm so sleep deprived it's not even funny.
-
After a couple of hours, I feel someone tapping me lightly. "Sorry, y/n's sleeping, go away!" I groan, covering my body with my blanket. "Come on, wake up, it's dinner time!" Rina says, "Noooo!" I whine. "Pleaseeeee!" She pleads. "Ugh, fine!" I sit up, rubbing my eyes. "It's so brighttt" I whine, "Let's just go eat! Mum cooked soup!" She says. I finally stand up and walk to the kitchen. It smelled so good, but it makes me wanna vomit. I can't stand the smell of food, it just makes me wanna vomit and gives me a head ache.
Mum gives us all bowls filled with soup, then she sat down with us. They talk about dumb shit, while I just stare with my food, stirring it around. "Eat some." Gjin whispers to me, I shake my head no, and rub my stomach, silently telling him, that I don't feel too good, he just nods, and continues eating.
I excuse myself, put my the bowl in the sink, then go back to my bedroom, I literally don't have energy to wash it myself.
I lay down and eventually fall asleep.
A/N: TBC. Sorry I'm so fucking busy + idk what to write ehe...
