99 Days Without You

Days 25-35

An: if you are easily triggered, skip to day 27.

*Day 25*

I was released from the hospital today. Chris and Pj took turns watching me each hour. Not letting me out of their sight. My right arm all bandaged from my failed suicide attempt five days before.

"Time to change your bandages," Pj said, taking my by the hand causing me to follow him into the bathroom where there was a roll of gauze, tape and scissors. Pj slowly cut off the old, bloody bandages. I wince when the cold, sharp metal touches my fresh cuts. Looking down at them, my wrists instantly feel the burning sensation of the razor slicing through the flesh. Slicing through the fully healed skin, blood trickling out and falling to the ground. A puddle of red blood pools at my feet. "You okay? Dan, you look as if you're going to pass out." Pj's voive snaps me out of the horrific visions I created in my mind.

"Yeah, all done? Thanks, I need to wee." I rush, pushing Pj out of the bathroom as the tears seem to come quicker this time. Opening the bottom drawer, I find a pink sticky note stuck to the bottom.

Dan, i know you are hurting. but this isn't the way. dont kill yourself.

How hippocritical could you sound Phil? You killed yourself, why can't I?

*Day 27*

It had almost been a month since Phil died, I was such a wreck without him. I missed him so much. I was constantly wearing his hoodie, not bothering to wash my hair or anything really. I probably smelt so bad. Pj and Chris had left that morning, packing up their things I could tell they wanted to leave me alone. I was crying all the time, I couldn't even talk without crying. I hadn't found another sticky note in a few days, I was searching everywhere for one. Finally, behind the tv there was a couple of sticky notes.

dan, remember when we set up the tv all by ourselves?

dan, remember when we finished attack on titan and cried because we had finished it?

dan, remember when we played just dance?

dan, remember dancing at the brits to thinking out loud with me?

dan, remember when we were young and alone? you saved me, and i like to think i saved you too.

I couldn't help myself, I spent the next few hours rewatching attack on titan. But it wasn't the same without Phil.

*Day 30*

It had been one month, 30 days. I decided to go back to his grave, and bring him some more flowers and talk to him again. Zipping up my shoes, I pulled on a jacket and closed the door behind me.

The cold air hit my face, I could feel my face flushing as I half jogged to the train station. Taking out my oyster card, I payed for my train ticket and got on the next one. Placing my earbuds in my ears, I put on 'Come Home by One Republic'

The train ride dragged on as song after song played. It seemed as each one sappier then the last. I was okay, I wasn't going to cry this time.

I wished that this time, I would be able to talk to his grave without crying.

"Hey Phil, its me again. Its been a month since you left this cruel world. I am so angry at you for leaving so early. I hoped that we would be able to spent at least a few more years together. I have been sleeping in your bed lately, I hope you don't mind. And I have been wearing your hoodie all the time. It still kinda smells like you, but with a bit of me now as well. I am so glad you left it for me. I also found some of you notes today. I am so glad you left those for me as well. It helps me remember all the good times we had. This is just a casualty. You're going to be coming home soon. I know it. I can feel it. I know that you're coming home soon, because you miss me. I miss you so much Phil Lester."