99 Days Without You

Days 56-57

(AN: the beggining is all dans thoughts. they will be in italics)

I felt like a broken record, stuck on repeat. All I thought about recently was ending my life. My thoughts stuck in a whirlwind of suicidal thoughts. I though of the ways I could kill myself. I could take to many pills like Phil did. I could cut to deep accidentally. I could overdose on a said drug. I could jump off a bridge. None of them would hurt more then the loneliness I could feel right now. I could always tell when the loneliness would creep on. It was like a dark shadow, sneaking up on you. You could hear the footsteps from a mile away. No matter how loud it was where you were, you could always tell when it would pounce on you. It would grab you, with its large hands and whisper to you. Telling you it was time to feel alone. Time to be numb. And that's exactly what I was. I was numb. I didn't feel a fucking thing. I had since lost weight, extra weight I never wanted. I had always been lanky kid, being tall and all. But recently, after lots of trauma from Phil's death, I had lost my appetite. I had lost interest in many things. Things that i once enjoyed doing. I was watching the sunrise at 5:37am when all these thoughts came rushing in. I couldn't help but feel bad for Chris and Pj. They couldn't help me feeling sad. They couldn't help me. I wanted out. I wanted out of this cruel word. I wanted to feel whole once again. I wanted to feel apart of this world once again. I wanted out, or in. I don't know. I am so confused. Screw you, Phil. This is all your fault. Screw you for leaving me. Screw you, Phil, for making me feel something. Screw you, Phil, for making me love you. I was ready to feel something again. Scribbling out a note, I promptly left the hotel room, leaving my two best friends sleeping and snoring alone.

The air was brisk at 6am, I knew this because I forgot a jacket. It was the middle of Febuary, and I was freezing my ass off. Still in my plaid pjs and a thin white long sleeve, I could feel goose bumps prickling on my skin as I walk. I could do it right now, I could kill myself right now if I wanted to. All I had to do, was walk infront of the car, whizzing down the street. The air smelt burnt, and the air was thick. I could smell cigarette smoke. I hadn't properly smoked since I was 17. Since before I met Phil. My feet still pulling me closer to the nearest corner shop, I walked in. The heavy metal door cold on my hands, the bell dinging, signalling my arrival.

"Hi, just a pack of the cheapest cigarettes please." I mumble, fooling with the ten pound note I grabbed before I left.

"That'll be seven pound eighty. Hey, you're Danisnotonfire, right? My daughter loves you, can I get a picture?" He sounds way to fucking cheery for 6:17am. I nod yes, as he snaps a half assed picture of us. I pay, accepting my coins and leaving before I pay of a lighter.

"Thanks, tell your daughter hi for me." I mumble, before exiting. Pulling a cigarette out of the carton, I light it in one swift move. Inhaling the smoke, I feel on cloud nine. My vision fuzzes in and out of focus as the smoke goes through my lungs, and out my mouth. I wanted someone to wrap their arms around me, take this damned cigarette out of between my lips and stomp on it. I wanted them to nuzzle into my neck, kissing it softly. I wanted them to tell me everything would be okay. Tell me not to worry, that I was going to be alright. But that wouldn't happen. Because the only person who I wanted had left me. But I get it, I would want to leave me too.

It was now only 8:12, Pj would be getting up soon. The faster my feet made contact with the ground, the more air blew in my face, the more I felt colder. I could feel the air whipping across my arms, where the fresh cuts where. I could feel the air whistling in my ears. I could feel the way each molecule of skin absorbed the air and-