99 Days Without You

Days 37-43

My thoughts kept wandering back to the little girl on the street. I couldn't get her voice out of my head, talking to me about her mum. I really hope they all delt with the loss a lot better then I am. I decided to shower and go down to Phil's grave and see him again.

Once the water was hot enough for my skin to handle, I stept in. Letting the water burn my scalp I massaged my shampoo in. The feeling of my fingers in my hair brings me to a memory of Phil.

It was only my third time staying over at Phil's. But I had had a nightmare. My feet padding down the hallway, making the wooden floor creak and I opened Phil's door I could see him sat in bed. His face illuminated by his laptop screen.

"Hey. umm, can I sleep in here tonight? I had a nightmare and don't think I'll get back to sleep." I mumbled.

"Yeah, sure. Come on in." He moved his hands, pointing next to him. I slowly walked over, suddenly feeling very self concious as I was shirtless. I layed next to him, facing the other way so we were technically spooning. His fingers played with my hair, it was long and curly and much like a rats nest. The way his fingers moved through my hair reminded me of playing the piano. The way his fingers knew exactly where to, making me feel weak inside. 

"Thank you for not making fun of me for a nightmare. You really are the best friend in the world." I said, feeling my eyes droop shut. Letting sleep take over my body and mind. 

There are so many memories I can remember, all good ones of course. But it still pains me to know he won't here here when I make more memories. I won't make anymore memories with him. I gave up on showering, falling to the floor of my shower and letting it all out. Letting the tears fall, the chocked sobs getting lost in the sound of the water pounding on the  floor and my body. I cry out, wishing, praying, that Phil would come home. So we can have breakfast together, watch an anime. Maybe lay on the couch next to each other on tumblr. Maybe we would even make a video together. I would love with film another 'Phil is Not on Fire,' but I can't. Because somehow, I lost my best friend. The tears seem never ending as the sounds soon die down. Tear flow effortlessly from my eyes as I stand up, finishing in the shower before I go back into Phil's bedroom to go to sleep. 

*Day 38*

I was back at Phil's grave today, talking to him. Today I brought him some sunflowers, because he was like the sun. 

"I hope you don't mind, I brought you some sunflowers today. They were out of white roses at the flourist so I had to buy you these. God, I sound like an old lady coming to visit her deceased husband. I haven't found anymore of you sticky notes lately. I really hope there are still more to find. You know, today, I went down to youtube to tell them you had died. And all they did was bring me into a big hug, everyone was there. I felt so welcomed again, kinda like I had been welcomed into a family again. A great big youtube family. I am so glad you got to be around for a big part of my life. I just wish you hadn't left so soon." I wasn't crying yet, I hope thats a good sign. "I love you, Phil Lester. I love you so much. I hope we are together soon." I began to walk away, the grass now wet as it had somehow started raining while I was there. My hair would start to curl soon, so I made my way home as fast as I could. 

I found another sticky note for the first time in a few days. 

hey dan, remember that first christmas we spent together at my place? it was right after we moved into our flat in manchester. you and i slept on the pull out couch together, hoping to catch 'santa' but we never did seeing that we fell asleep. that was one of my favourite times.