12/28/21
Im gonna get to the point with this, a short intro and everything. Hi, im an asshole. Im 15, an addict, and i have mental illnesses like you wouldnt fucking believe. I lie constantly and im a bad person to everyone i love. Im gonna read deep into my trauma and problems here so if you dont like traumatic stuff, please leave.
Oh shit..you dont even know my name..Its River. I have some good things abt me..im an Empath, im in band, i care abt my friends and their feelings more than i care for my own existence. Oh yeah and i treat my boyfriend like royalty.
Theres nothing more to do except explain whats wrong..
Im gonna be honest here, ive been wanting to cut myself for so fucking long but ive never really had the correct excuse. Now that i do, i feel like it justifies just how badly i crave that feeling. I should be asleep rn, with my boyfriend on the other end of the phone but instead im writing here. Im tired and bleh..my collarbone hurts. Whenever i wake up, im just as tired as the night before. Even though i sleep for more than enough hours. I said id be sleeping but my boyfriend doesnt have to know that im still up writing about my problems to people who probably dont even fucking care. Anyways..im tired and re-living past trauma since im back in Cali. I havent been eating properly and ive been in my thoughts a lot more lately...im only here for the money and my little sibling, all i want is for them to be happy.
Nothing i do is ever good enough, i feel like my boyfriend is getting sick of me and doesnt love me anymore. Its just the fact that i feel like he was never in love and that hes just using yhis opportunity to show how stupid and gullible i am. To show his friends how easy i am and how stupid i look when im in love. Even though hes not the type i cant help but think about it. I just cant wait to go home so i can get high again and forget about the world. Maybe its my faukt my life is like this..maybe its my fault..i just hope my boyfriend doesnt find this. I dont want him to read it and be concerned or get upset because i love him so much and i dont mean to think these things, they just pop up and never leave, my brain is the worst thing to exist, my brain is the villain in this story. I just hope theres a point in time where i stop wanting to cut and stop wanting to do drugs in order to feel better.
Anyways, its getting late and i should be alseep. Goodnight, ill write to you tomorrow.
