Finding My Permanent Family

Chapter 40

If you ever throw my insecurity or something I have overcome, in my face, you are out of my life.
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Sang's POV:
All night I have sat on the cold bathroom floor and slowly watched the time tick by. Each minute I sit here is agonizing. It isn't because the cold tiles are making engravings against my skin, or because I can physically feel my body declining in health. All of that is true, but I am used to pain. Right now I think it is the only thing keeping me from drifting off into a different reality. One where my head isn't throbbing with insecurities. A reality where life is good and I have the fairytale ending that the little girl in me has always dreamed of, and secretly begged for.

The thing is, that isn't my reality. The reality is I have my arms locked around my knees so tight, as if that will keep away all of the bad things. My delusions are telling me that the small, weak arms attached to my body can protect me from all of the trouble in the real world.

The reality is I have two kids sleeping in the other room who need stability, and I haven't given them that. The reality is I have nowhere to go, and I am tired. Tired of fighting just to have the basic necessities in life. Tired of getting use to having people, then being abandoned because when they see who I truly am, they don't want me. I am tired in a way that I can't explain and that in itself is killing me.

My eyes drift to the clock in the bedroom. 4:32. I slowly crawl across the tiles floor to the large bathtub. Im sure to an outsiders view I would look completely pathetic, but I don't care. I reach for the faucet on the tub and wince slightly when I hear the loud squeak it lets out. A gush of water comes out, then it turns into a steady flow. I watch as the tub fills and I slowly undress.

I pull off the shirt that I got on the shopping trip with Gabe. I slide the pants down my body, trying to ignore the pain that I feel as my bones scream in resistance. The I unclasp my bra and lay it on the pile and slowly slide my underwear down my legs.

I turn the squeaky faucet off so that there is no longer water coming out. I somehow manage to pick myself up and slide into the tub. The hot water welcomes me and surrounds me in the same way that a blanket would.

I grab a soft washcloth and slowly soap it up. Then I run it across my body and get rid of the grime that has attached itself to me. When I am done, I do feel better. I let all if the water drain but I don't get out. I fill the tub back up until it is almost overflowing. It is completely clear and I can see every inch of my beaten and worn down body. I grimace as I see the scars running up and down each leg, my arms, stomach, breasts, and neck.

The sight is almost enough to make bile rise in my throat and that kills me even more. I can't stand to look at my own body. How the hell could I have believed that someone else would've wanted to. Owens words drift back to me.

Child. Naive. Irresponsible.

The more that I think about it, the more I think he is right. I can't do anything about it though. I decided when I was twelve years old that this is the life that I wanted. The thing is, I don't regret it. I could never regret those little angels in the other room that have no clue how cruel the world can be. I don't regret all of the beatings I have received. Those kids are worth it and always will be.

By the time I come out of my head the bath water is cold and I have a slight tremble moving fluently through my body. I pull my body out of the tub and slowly wrap the towel around me. Then I walk to the mirror above the sink, but I avoid looking into it. I grab the pink and black brush sitting on the side of the sink and slowly begin to brush through the nest on top of my head that is considered hair.

With each stroke I can't help but think of Gabe. He would yell at me for not taking care of my hair, but would proceed to gently brush through it and make me laugh along the way. Maybe he would let me sit in silence. Gabe would possibly rub my neck and talk to me while he let all of the products sit in my hair.