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XXV » apologies

chapter twenty five • apologies

last chapter </3

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And he left.

I walked over to the couch, and began sobbing hysterically. Oh God, Calum was right, I thought, and I'm such a fucking failure.

Calum was right, I always did make him look like a bad guy, and I always did pin everything on him. Tears overflowed my eyes, I put Calum through so much shit in such short time. "I hate myself." I repeated out loud sobbing into my hands.

There was a knock on the dpoor and I already knew it was Ashton. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to be around anyone.

The feeling rushed over me, the feeling I've known so well, once again I wanted to die. I told myself it was stupid, and I was overreacting, couples always fight don't they? But I couldn't shake it I just wanted to die. It was more than just than fight, it was just how overall worthless I felt. I just wanted to be done with everything, I wanted to die, I knew this world wasn't a place for me.

Ashton knocked again before simply opening the door. I didn't want him to see me, I was such a mess. "...Ella," Ashton whispered coming over to the couch, "oh God, Ella."

He came over and hugged me from the side. I grabbed his shirt gently sobbing into his chest. We stayed like that a while, his hand rubbing my back, "Ashton, I want to die." I sobbed.

"N-No," Ashton stuttered, "No, don't ever say that. You don't want to die okay you're just going through a bad time."

"No, Ashton, I want to die!" I said sitting up, "I fuck everything up, I'm a fuck up. I've fucked up all my friendships, my only relationship, and I've even fucked up myself. Oh my God, I'm good for n-nothing!" I stuttered as more tears fell from my eyes.

"Ella, stop!" Ashton demanded, "Stop saying things like that, okay, just listen; you know those roses you've been receiving?" I nodded, wiping away some tears. "They were me." He confessed, "Or at least most of them."

I sat on the couch, confused and honestly, uninterested. The roses weren't important to me at that moment, Calum was the only thing I wanted to think about.

"You know the first day you got here?" Ashton asked, again I nodded. "Well, you came to our door, and when you pointed at your apartment, well you sleeve went down, and well, I saw your arms and... you're cuts. And, I just thought about Luke, and his cuts, even though he won't admit it to us, we all know. And everyone else I know who hurts themselves, and... I just wanted you to be okay. So I started sending those every other day, and eventually you started receiving more than one, I promise I don't know who sent you those. But, I don't know I just stopped sending them, and I know you didn't like them, so I'm sorry, I just thought it'd be a good idea, you know?"

Somewhere along his mini-speech I had stopped crying. "No, it's okay, it was nice of you. Thank you, Ash." Was all I could say to him before he began talking again.

"And I just care about you, you know? Nobody deserves to hate themselves so much to the point where they hurt themselves. And when you tried to... you know... die, I just felt so bad, I should've helped you. I mean after all, I did know. But I guess none of that matters now, what matters is that you're alive and here and you're okay. And I did all that for you, the least thing you could do is stay alive."

I sighed, "Yeah... Okay, I'm sorry, for putting you through all that shit, but honestly thank you. For caring, and trying, and I'm sorry, I just don't think I'll ever be saved." I said frowning but hugging Ashton, "Shouldn't you be happy if I die, I mean I'd be happy, shouldn't my happiness bring you happiness? If you think about it, if you care about me, why would you want me to live in a world I'm not happy in?"

"No, 'cause I know it gets better and I just want you to stay around to see that day." Ashton argued.

I stared at the wall for a while before bringing up Calum, "Calum left me."

"I realized," Ashton said chuckling, and I laughed a little too.

"He said he was done being the bad guy, and I had to apologize if I wanted him back." I explained.

"Then apologize."

☠

The next day, I sat outside of Calum's apartment for more than an hour. I tried to figure out what I would say and how I would say it. Every time I tried to go in, I would always freeze and get to nervous to do anything, because this was probably what was going to decide if Calum and I stayed together or not. If I fucked this up, if Calum decided I wasn't worth the pain or struggle, we'd be done for good. And we'd probably become strangers.

I traced the fresh cuts on my arm, yesterday after Ashton left, I couldn't help myself. I felt so numb, I wanted to feel something, I wanted to see the blood pour out of my skin. Then I thought of what Calum would've said if he saw them, then I thought Calum probably wouldn't care anymore.

Part of me just wanted to go home and wait for Cal to come to me, like he always did. I knew he wouldn't, not this time.

Someone began opening the door and my heart began pounding against my chest. If it was Calum, I would have to apologize right now, and I wasn't ready to.

I stared up to see Calum, and I began to panic internally. "Hi." He said looking down at me, he looked just as sad as I did. His hair was messy and his eyes tired, just like I looked.

"Cal..." I started saying while standing up. "I-I... I don't know what to say... I love you, you know I love you. And I'm so so sorry if I make you feel bad sometimes and if I blame everything on you sometimes. Truth is, I have so many problems I have to work on and am working on, but I think I can get through them if you're by my side and... This is such an awful apology, but we both know I'm no good at apologies... What I'm trying to say is that of all the bad things I've gone through, you came along and you were good and I'm so happy I have you or I had you... And if you leave me... If we're not together... I just need you, and I don't know what else to say, but...
Don't leave."

author's note

when u end ur story on a cliffhanger ;o

i cant believe this is the last chapter & its so terrible omg im so soz

i love u all sossoso much

,,,,but this isn't the end okay we're still missing an epilogue + final's authors note wow ,!

do u guys think calums gonna take her back?

how have u guys been

imy all so much

comment + vote !!,

-sofi