Take Me Down The Rabbit Hole (BDSM | 18+)

XXVIII

Aspen blushed, and for the first time in a while, he didn't feel so nervous anymore. 
"I think it will be easier for you now," Thea mumbled, "since Alan threw you into deep waters." 
Aspen remembered the feeling of helplessness that had overcome him after Alan had left his office, and how that had rendered him unable to say no. 
It was almost as if Aspen's body had decided to stop functioning on his own and was just waiting for Alan to pick it up and oil the gears to make everything run smoothly - but Aspen wasn't running smoothly at all. 
"I suppose." 
Thea noticed how uneasy she was and walked to the wardrobe in the corner, taking out a fluffy robe. "Here," she said holding it out to him. Aspen immediately reached for it, feeling the plush gray fabric under his fingers. "I think we need to talk a little bit more about this, Aspen. I don't think we're going to get anywhere with you feeling this uneasy." 
She let go of the robe and Aspen took that as permission to put it on. The robe immediately felt comforting, like the sort of hug that Aspen craved, but hadn't gotten from anyone in a long time. 
Once again, Thea opened the door to the playroom and directed him to the couches in her living room. "Sit," she invited him, and Aspen plopped down on one quite unceremoniously. 
Thea joined him and while she rested her feet on the coffee table, she pulled his head into her lap. 
"I think my reputation precedes me," she mumbled, raking her fingers through his unruly locks. "At least when it comes to people who've been in the community longer than you have. And I think my experience precedes me as well. So does Alan's him." 
Aspen marveled at Thea's touch, listening to her talk. 
"Let's just agree, pet, that being a member of this community isn't as easy as it sounds." 
Aspen allowed himself a small chuckle. "It sounds like that, though," he whispered. "I mean, how hard can it be, really, to lay down all inhibitions and open yourself fully to the concept of someone else taking ownership over you."
"It requires an insane amount of trust that can't be established overnight."
"But-" Aspen protested. "I do trust Alan." 
"Do you trust him, Aspen, or have you learned to live with the fact that trusting him is what you should be doing, even though you actually don't?" 
Ouch.
"By that logic, I don't trust you either." 
Aspen had expected Thea to reprimand him, but she only laughed. "Of course, you don't. I will have to earn your trust. Harder than you might have to earn mine."
"But Alan trusts you." 
"He does," Thea mumbled. 
"But-?" 
"He's known me for so long, Aspen. He was only nineteen when he started engaging in BDSM, and now he's-" She interrupted herself, and when Aspen looked up at her, he could figuratively see the gears rattling in her head. 
"He's twenty-nine, Mistress."
Thea smiled. "That's a good pet," she praised, and then her brows knit. "But you've known him since you were-" 
"Fourteen," Aspen finished. "He broke my heart a little bit," he then added, shifting a little bit.
"How so?"
Aspen felt heat rise to his cheeks again. "I was in love with him from the moment we first met, but we were both in the closet, and Alan didn't start dating men until he met your brother."
"Does he know that you've been having unrequited feelings for him, pet?" 
The use of present tense was like a slap to the face or a bucket of cold water over the head, or the loss of an orgasm that Aspen had spent so long anticipating.
It hurt so good. 
"No," Aspen huffed, feeling like a child all of a sudden.
Thea hummed. "And what's the most important part of a relationship like this?" 
"Open communication."
Thea smiled, running the pad of her thumb over his cheek. "I think you know what I want you to do when you go back to him on Monday, pet." 
"I can't do that," Aspen retorted, pressing his lips into a thin line.
Thea laughed. "Of course, you can, pet. But you don't want to. Why?"
"Because he's engaged to Spencer, and I've already taken up enough space in their lives."
Thea sighed. "If you two can't speak to each other about things like this without it ending in an argument, then perhaps you should both consider if this relationship is the best for you, huh?" 
Aspen inhaled sharply. "I hate that you're right about that." 
Thea hummed. She's gone back to combing through his hair, staring into nothing as she sat on the couch with him. 
"We don't always know immediately what's good for us. But relationships like this can eat a previous relationship up from the inside, and then, the bad feelings for the other person will just spread like the plague. You love Alan-"
Again with the present tense. Aspen laid there as Thea knocked the air from his lungs with her words. 
"- and I'm sure he loves you, too." 
"He loves Spencer."
"Pet," Thea huffed. "Don't be so pessimistic. Just because Alan may not have the same romantic feelings for you, that does not mean that he doesn't love you in his own way."
Aspen said nothing for a long while. And then-
"I think I need a spanking," he whispered.
Thea's hand stilled. "A spanking, huh?"
Aspen could feel her sit up, and then he watched as she removed her feet from the table. "How do you like to be spanked, hm?" 
Aspen sat up as well. "I like wooden paddles," he admitted, and Thea smiled. 
"Yeah?" she hummed, seeking confirmation as she got up and pulled him off the couch and back into the playroom.  
She opened a walk-in closet and revealed what Aspen assumed was her home collection of toys. 
She took a step back and pushed Aspen inside so he was looking right at the implements hanging on the back wall. "Pick your poison, pet."