Take Me Down The Rabbit Hole (BDSM | 18+)

LXIII

Spencer exhaled lowly.
Alan hummed. "Maybe I should give those books a go then," he said, but he didn't sound very decisive. "Well. I'll be in my office. You two behave!"
"Always," Spencer quipped, causing Alan to roll his eyes.
"Of course, pet," he said tenderly and kissed Spencer's forehead.
It sounds like you know what you want.
"Actually," Aspen said, jogging over to where Alan was about to disappear in his office. "I think I know what would fix my identity crisis."
"Do you?" Alan asked, opened the door further, and gestured for Aspen to come inside. "Do tell."
Aspen sat, folded his legs over one another, and began tugging at his pant leg. "I'd like to gather more ... active experience domming."
Alan didn't seem very taken aback by that request. "Yeah? Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to say something like that?"
Aspen shook his head. "No. Sir."
Alan laughed. "A few weeks now. I was actually scheming with Thea behind your back. The whole shibari class had been her idea."
Aspen could only consider himself immensely blessed for having Thea in his life, and with that, the opportunity to use her as an excuse for things that Leo had awakened in him.
Aspen inhaled. "I don't know," he mumbled. "Just then I was wondering if there was some sort of pre-determined timeline for... all of this."
Alan shook his head. "Not really. I do think we are advancing towards a point of no return at which I will ultimately have to let you go off and do your own thing, but I didn't- I don't want there to be a breaking point where we just float apart. I'd rather do it in a way that offers closure."
Because Leo never gave you any of that. Makes sense.
Alan clapped his hands. "Well, alright. Active experience. How about you figure that out with Thea, I'm sure she will have some capacity or idea of how you can make that work. It's more her field than mine, you understand."
Maybe it'd be more Leo's field.
Aspen nodded. "So we're going to drag out the final goodbye for a little longer?"
Alan laughed. "Oh, Aspen. You're never going to get rid of me after this. We're going to be stuck in tight quarters for applicant review for hours on end, and once that's done we'll be having post-work drinks at a bar whose layout I have also spent hours agonizing over. Life is good now, but it'll be better then."
Aspen watched as Alan's entire expression brightened up. Confidence like that really suited him.
"If you say so."
"I'll insist on it," Alan said firmly. "Anything else you'd like to say?"
Aspen couldn't help but smile. "Knowing you has been ruining my life from the moment I first saw you."
"Hey, there's no need to get all mushy and sentimental on me," Alan joked right back. "You're going to be just fine. I believe in you, just as much as you've shown me you believe in me, even if you can't see how you're doing that." A moment of pointed silence. "Now be a good sub and ask Spencer if he needs any help. I need to sort out some things."

That night, Aspen spent reading another of Luna Luther's books. The more he read, the more he understood what Spencer had quoted at him from June's opinion. While reading, at least, he was in control.
He couldn't control the narrative, but at least he could control what he was doing with his time.
It was weird to him that all these things he'd been worried about for weeks would probably never come into effect.
It was weird to him that Alan was drawing out letting go of him. Shouldn't that be easy?! He was engaged to Spencer and Spencer knew that while they didn't discuss wedding plans while he was there, they definitely discussed them.
It was weird to him that there had always been an illusion of choice, only to find out that Alan and Thea had ulterior motives.
But then again, Aspen was his own person. And if he defined 'active experience' as more sitting in on Leo's sessions, how was Alan supposed to stop him?
Aspen rested the book on his torso and reached for his phone, shooting a quick text to Leopold: Just wondering when you'll be back in New York.
The reply popped into his inbox thirty seconds later: Next month. Why? Are you plotting something?
Aspen grinned at his phone screen. Nope. Goodnight to wherever you are!
With that, he turned his phone to airplane mode, well aware that he'd probably wake up to a bunch of accusatory messages from Leo.
But that didn't matter. Right now, what mattered was that for the first time in months, Aspen felt like he'd be involved in the decision process of something concerning him.
Maybe then he would finally be able to make sense of his position in this community and the dreams that haunted him at night — not with their images, but with uncertainty about what Aspen was supposed to do.
Anything was fine — As long as it was definite and comfortable.
Of course, in the long run, maybe he could have found comfort in being one of Thea's contracted submissives, but sometimes he felt like Thea didn't like him that way. They had said that they were still waiting for the right person to come along, and if Aspen was honest with himself, he wasn't that.
He was too independent to do whatever someone else told him to, even if the act of doing so was bringing him joy as of right now.
Maybe that would change tomorrow. Or next week. Or by the time Leo would be back in New York.
Or maybe, just maybe, not ever.