In Die Nacht

1

The amount of physical pain I was in was unbearable. I knew that this wouldn't last for very long but I wanted to just die in this moment. The room was dimly lit and when I looked up from my bed or better yet mattress, I saw mother holding the video camera. I know I agreed to do these videos for record but some times it felt humiliating. I pulled my arm from underneath my body and reached up to find my brother. I was scared and confused.

"Tom, he's coming to, come over here." I heard my mom whisper.

I didn't know how much time had passed but I knew that it did. My body needed my other half. I needed to have that there or I might've started wailing. When I felt the weight on the mattress increase, I grabbed for the fabric of his clothes pulling my weak, exhausted body closer to him. My nerves relaxed when my nose caught scent of his body wash.

"It's okay, I'm here."

I just wanted him to hold me. His thicker arms lay gently on my thin frame and his hands combed through my unruly, sweaty black hair. Mom had turned on another light in the room, giving me the chance to look around me. My bed was above me and the safety mattress was beneath me, I was laying on it. The number of injuries I have sustained had reached the double digits when mom decided that this would be a smart investment.

Another smart investment, Tom moving into my room. He was the first responder and mom would come running in with the camera. She said she needed it to prove to the doctors my medication wasn't working. She was right. Every night I wake up on the floor, covered in sweat with a camera in my face and Tom combing fingers through my hair. No change.

That's why daddy left. He wanted a son that was able-bodied and well. He got only one. Suddenly, my body lurched forward and I was violently sick into Tom's lap. That's when the camera clicked off. Mom left to get towels while I puked in his lap. Words can't describe the shame I feel. Tom didn't deserve to be woken up at one a.m. I didn't deserve to be ignored by every single medical professional I've gone to see.

"I'm...sorry." I gagged.

"It's alright. You can't help it."

I moaned and my body begged to be on my back. My muscles were tight and my head was pounding. I think Tom felt my discomfort because he turned the bedside lamp off. The room was more neutral which allowed me to peek open my eyes again and see the dizzy images. I lurched forward again and more vomit came rushing out. My stomach was empty and anything else after this would be acid.

"Have him vomit in the bucket and use this wet towel to clean yourself up, Tom. I'll watch him while you grab a shower."

"Don't...go." I moaned.

"He has to clean up, honey."

My head gently laid down on the mattress and I watched him walk into the bathroom. My heart was racing and I dry heaved. Nothing came up but I still gagged. My mom massaged my back and kissed my sweaty forehead.

"That lasted about three minutes. Did you feel anything before?"

"My neck felt really hot and I had this intense urge to pee."

"Alright, I'll write that down."

"What time is it?" I sighed.

"Two thirty a.m."

"I'm sorry for waking you up."

My mother just smiled. That's all she does when she wants me to know she doesn't mind. She may not but I do. I was exhausted and I had school in a few hours. I could sleep and then prepare for school but she might want me to stay home. I know she'll want that. But I'd rather go to school. She'd dote on me all day and we can't afford her missing work. Dad was the major income and with him gone, most of the bills fall on her.