In Die Nacht

6

I can't leave! As soon as I plan to go and do something my father jumps in and says no. Oh my god, I can't even begin to fathom the anger and the stress that's bubbling inside me right now. Like I just want to punch something! Tom is trying to make things better but all that's happened is my dad's grip has gotten stronger. I promised I'd quit smoking but I started to smoke even more now that my father has chosen to ruin my life.

I even looked to Adam for advice because I am lost and scared and confused. Why is he even doing this? He had nothing to gain. I'm not giving him money or promotion. His problems are not problems. I only wish I could drink but right now I'm trying to grip this whole situation. I've done three shows that I couldn't rehearse for because my dad won't let me leave. I had to have a cheat sheet taped to the catwalk so I knew what song I'd be singing. Mom has subtracted herself from the equation and I have to take my medication in front of him without mom being present.

My emotions are so mixed up that I just can't find the reason to live anymore. Then Tom decides to remind me that I have a therapy session with my doctor during our day off in Köln. Adam was trying his best to stand by me in this fight that I was having with my dad. It's not verbal or even physical but rather emotional. He knows how much him leaving hurt me yet he's trying to be this father I never had to begin with. It's like when mom told me that I wasn't a candidate for brain surgery. I felt like the whole world was trying to make me kill myself.

But I do share a common question with my father. They couldn't find a genetic link or a birth defect or a brain deformity or basically anything to cause my seizures. I'm an abnormality that won't change. I legitimately wanted to just slit my wrists and end all of this.

Even sitting in this lounge with the woman who's supposed to help me, I wanted to just kill myself. I tapped my fingers against the leather of the couch and tried to make those thoughts go away. But when I view caught my dad they rushed back in like marathon runners. I gripped the armrest and sighed.

"Bill, what's got you so worked up?"

"My dad has been hanging around and he's been controlling everything."

"Have you spoken with him?"

"Yes, but he doesn't listen. I just gave up talking to him."

She wrote some of what I said down. My neurologist was a nice woman. She's been there my whole life and once I used to wish she was my mom. She would often talk to me because there were days prior to this where I would shut down from all the stress. It wasn't like I wanted to but I tended to retreat to the recesses of my mind when something makes me fill to the brim with anxiety. I looked at her and she made this unsure smile. She glanced back at her notes and sighed.

"Bill, what was it like the first time you were aware of your seizures?"

"I was six and I thought that I was sleeping. My mom decided to tell me the truth when I was about seven. I guess you could say I was shocked. But as I aged I stopped caring a little. There was always embarrassment standing hand and hand with it. I knew that I'd be judged solely on my condition."

"Is that why you haven't told your fans that you're an epileptic? You think they'll judge you?"

"It's not that. I'm scared that everyone will shun me. You don't get it. I'm still a teenager. I want so much from my life. Like, I want to drive a car and find a person who'll love me and spend their life with me. But as soon as my disorder comes up, that's all going to disappear."

"That's not true. Look, Bill, you have the most loving considerate fans in the world. They love you. Don't you feel, I guess guilty for lying to them?"

"Everyday." I sighed. "They tell me their stories. They love me and look up to me. They tell me that I've saved their lives. It seems selfish but look this isn't the right time to talk about myself. They need to think I'm an emotionally broken boy and nothing more."