Grianangst

Smoking the sorrows away

Grian never had a great past. Before he joined hermitcraft he dealt with toxic relationships, abuse and a lot more. Since then he was dealing with panic and anxiety attacks and attempted more than one time suicide. His only way to cope with those things were smoking and hurting himself physically.

Nobody on the server knew about his ways to cope or his past, only Xisuma had a little bit of information but definitely not enough for him to worry about Grian. Grian was happy about that, he didn't like attention.

But sometimes he would slip. It wasn't the first time that Iskall asked why he smelled like smoke 2 days ago. It wasn't the first time Grian coughed so bad that the people thought he would choke on something.

It wasn't the first time Grian had the feeling that he was dying inside.

But somehow he always had the perfect excuses and everyone believed him, at least he thought this way.

.

Today was a party to celebrate  1 year  of season 6. Everyone was invited and ready to celebrate.

Grian was patting Pearl while waiting for Mumbo, the two would fly together to the festival. It took place in the mountains. Grian was never there but Mumbo on the other hand was there before to decorate, so they decided to fly there together because everyone knew how easily Grian got lost.

He looked at the clock. Mumbo should come in 5 minutes, that's enough time to smoke a cigarette real quick. So Grian did and luckily finished 2 minutes before Mumbo came.

Mumbo's face changed to a confused look when he smelled the smoke but Grian didn't care. He was way too anxious about what would happen at the party when there were so many people.

.

„Hello Grian, nice to see you!" Xisuma, the admin of the server welcomed him with a hug. He was slightly surprised as he smelled smoke on the Hermit's suit but decided to ignore it for the moment. Grian seemed a little tense but since a lot of hermits on the server tensed up in situations like this he decided not to bother. 

"Hey Ex-eye-sooma", Grian said with a smile. He looked around and saw that there were already a lot of people there. Grian felt his anxiety coming back up but the feeling was put aside when Mumbo took his hand and tore him to the other hermits. 

Grian, Mumbo, Iskall, Stress and Impulse were standing in a circle, talking about the newest shops in the server and what they could do to improve the shopping district more. While Mumbo, Stress and Iskall were passionately talking about better paths and a possible railway station Impulse was inspecting Grian. He was quieter han usual and seemed very upset. Noone else seemed to notice so he took the chance and asked Grian if he could help getting some drinks from the bar. Grian agreed eagerly and was relieved to leave the amount of people for at least a little time. 

As they were walking up the path to the bar Impulse took the chance and asked Grian what's wrong. The short hermit tensed up a little,Impulse saw that. As he tried to say something, Grian took a short breath. "Too many people", is the only thing he could say. Impulse realised that he was about to have a panic attack and quickly went to a little cliff with no people on it. 

"Grian, breathe." "I-I-I can't! Help Impulse I can't breathe!" Impulse laid a hand on Grians shoulder which caused him to flinch. But after some seconds he adjusted to it. "Try to follow my breathing pattern alright?" Grian nodded and tried to follow. He calmed down a little but still not enough to proberly breathe. "Tell me 5 things you can hear." "Y-Your voice, my voice, s-some birds chirping, the hermits talking and m-music." "That's great Grian.", Impulse assured him. "Now four things you can feel." "My suit, your hand, grass a-and the wind." 

"Perfect, are you okay now?" "O-one more", Grian stuttered. "Okay, 3 things you can smell?" "Your ugly perfume, the grass and smoke." Grian didn't meant so say the last one but Impulse was distracted by the fact that Grian didn't like his perfume. "My perfume is great", he cried. "Of course, of course.", Grian said sneekly. "Thank you Impulse." "No problem dude! If it happens again, come to me,alright bud?" Grian knew that he wouldn't do that. "Sure dude!"

After they both returned with the drinks, Impulse and Mumbo left to talk with Doc and Cub about redstone. Iskall and Stress were talking about moving in together and Grian felt left out. He had a growing urge to smoke. After that embarrassing thing with Impulse he needed it. Noone should know, nobody should worry about him. 

After a quick moment of thinking he told Stress and Iskall that he went to take a walk, both nodded but he wasn't sure if they really listened to him.

 He he went back to the little cliff since noone could see or hear him there. He sat on the edge and let his legs bumble. It was dangerous but he couldn't care less, his life was so fucked up. He lighted his cigarrette and inhaled deep. He immediately felt how he calmed down. After Grian finished the cigarrete he doused it on his wing. He took a sharp breath when he felt the pain but at the same time it was an amazing feeling.

"Grian what are you doing?"

Part 2?