seasons of our ruin

one

SHAZIA

sunlight filtered through the stained glass windows as it bathed you in its mellow glow, making you look as golden as ever. you stood there clutching your books with colour coded notes spilling out of the pages as you gave the entire class a sparkling smile that made the everyone's heart melt and form scarlet puddles on the squeaky floor. i had spent the last two years bottling all my acidic hate for you and now that you were here, i was as vehement as ever. my blood became a turbulent sea of glowering aversion as your honey pot eyes landed on mine; your pupils dilating with the slightest hint of recognition. you gave me another one of your perfected sugar smiles, which was met by my unwavering frigid gaze. i wondered how could you even manage to live with your self in the past two years, because i have forgotten how it feels to be alive and breathing now. i don't know how to remain alive as my dead heart beats with the suffocating cyanide guilt my body has slowly learnt to burden. it becomes worse in spring, with the cherry blossoms fluttering in the warm breeze as they tangle themseleves in my dark locks— each falling petal reminding me of the fall he took when the same cherry blossoms blew past his crumbling body.

i wonder if his death managed to affect your golden magnificence of eternal suns residing in your bones, but you looked as bright as ever. no power on earth could dim your effulgence even slightly, not even the death of your other supposed half.  i thought after finally seeing you after two years i would find it in my splintered heart to forgive you but i couldn't. i can't forgive the one who remained dazzling as ever when my entire world came crashing down, when my lungs deflated and my heart bled until it ran dry. how could you not feel any remorse when you were the one who caused this? you are the creator of the tragedy that stains my fractured glass heart, you are the reason why i am no longer alive and just a bundle of phosphorescent bones tied together with bitter guilt glossed heartache and fervid fury.

i watched as you are flashed smiles of approval, because how can someone not love someone as golden and beautiful as you? it made the volatile blood in my veins boil seeing how you managed to ensnare everyone with your radiance within seconds of your arrival. you had not changed at all —people still fell at your feet with beguiled eyes caught in a spell and mesmerised smiles spreading across their face.

with each step you took, i could feel the dam of undiluted rage and revulsion inside of me ready to burst. you looked up at me and shot me an apologetic smile, but your eyes were as bold as ever as you slid into the empty seat next to me. i clenched my fists and tried to divert my glare from you to the dusty blackboard but i just couldn't control that welling dam inside of me. i hated you, more than anything. but you were here now, and you were as bright as ever. the stars in your eyes still shone as if nothing had ever happened. you were here and you were right beside me. and suddenly i couldn't control that dam in me which i had been controlling for the past two years.i slammed my fist on the wooden oak table as i got up from my seat. i shot you one last murderous glare before storming out of the class. i could hear the excited murmurs and shocked whispers that were circulating around the class, but i didn't care anymore.

if only you had never showed up, i would have been fine. you were my trigger. you were the one who abandoned him and he was the only thing my tattered heart had learnt to love. you took away the only sun in my life.