Get To Know The Author (ArianaZ6)

ehh...let me vent a little

um so this is random but like this isn't something new to me too..

But have you ever felt so empty? I know others go thru so much worse, but that reason makes me bottle up a little more anyway..

I feel like, after all this time I've just got less and less little things to look forward to. I've felt like this for a long time now. I know it might not make sense, but it wasn't like there was always a big event to make me happy-- not that I'm complaining but hear me out lol

Sometimes we have small things (or big) that make us happy. It could even be a wattpad weekly update 😂 But over time, I just seemed to care less and less, and not really look forward to anything, everything just felt like a temporary distraction for how I really felt. I'm not saying I want anything either, because honestly the main point is...I don't. Nothing comes to mind when I do. And it just makes me feel really empty.
Like, my mind is literally empty, even though I overthink everything so much it's unhealthy.

I don't like anything any more. And I don't expect things from anyone, I never did. But right now, I don't even want to buy my favourite food, or go somewhere fun. But I pretend I'm looking forward to it all. it's just tiring. 😅

My excuse was always being tired so I can see why someone would think I'm just lazy. I feel like I went from being mentally emotional (well not in public) to feeling nothing at all and being unbothered. I always passed it as a feeling of growing up in teenage years and never assume anything big. But the feelings are quite regular when I realise it. I don't wanna attention-seek either, bc i can deal w it and I'm used to it. It's sometimes a passing feeling like normal emotions.

And I know as u grow up things change, but it just makes me feel more upset and that I have to stay being this really annoying girl irl lmao. Because when I'm on my own, I'm not myself; even the smallest things let me down and kill the mood...and I just feel upset but I guess everyone is. So it's not the biggest deal.

Even expressing this all to someone, I used to have so much I wanted to say...and now there's nothing. I guess bc I've never been used to venting like that and every little emotion just piled up until I didn't know why I was upset.

I know I say I don't speak about myself that much, but at the same time I really do 😂...just not the deep stuff that doesn't even make sense to even myself. I used to basically be a background character and I still am, but now I'm just being myself a little; I never want to become the annoying main character in every one else's life, so I'm trying not to do that...even tho it might seem I do.

I honestly love listening to others, Its so interesting to hear other people's views and how they are. I like observing, even if I act dumb like I'm not. So I let people talk because I'm here for them xD....and I do that a little too well sometimes because it leads to misunderstandings when I feel outbursts of emotions and nobody understands, because they don't understand that side of me since I don't vent out as much.
I'm not expecting every one to know me inside out, so I totally get it if I seem like I'm the one in the wrong in bad situations. I always try see their pov too.

I used to be the one peacefully sorting other people's issues and now I'm the one arguing because I'm still sorting everyone else's shit. And I get made the bad one for the wrong reason.
I wouldn't be suprised if it was because I get too annoyed when people get rude to me for a while. But it's because 'I'm always involved'...and tbh I hate getting involved. But what can I do if everyone dumps their problems on me to sort out??
(I also don't think there should always be 'sides', sure theres 2 sides to a story but some people take it in a childish way-- like expecting people to pick a side like a game, instead of dealing w the issue.)

I don't really like talking about how I am because I don't want to seem big-headed and self-absorbed, if that makes any sense. But I guess when I get annoying and loud, it always seems like that.

I've had to deal with any problems I've had with myself and mentally...and on my own, and in my own way. I feel like everyone I've tried to joke with and talk to don't really wanna talk if it sounds so weird like this and I'm constantly reminded that I've been thru nothing deep.
So I just deal with it on my own like every one else. Sometimes I can't really see people the same after. But I always have people to vent with if I really want..I just don't wanna feel like I feel sorry for myself and it's 'all about me'

I also feel like every one always has an excuse ready for why they're never in the wrong. I even accept I'm the problem sometimes if problems always occur around me 😐. But some people are 'so sensitive' when it's just petty and irritating. Or some have 'mental health problems', when I could have the same so its bold to assume I don't just because I don't shove it in everyone else's face like they do.
But yh I try be mindful if anyone has issues any way; I make it clear I'm here for them even if they don't wanna speak.

I again feel like irl I'm always expected to be that annoying shit that has to make the jokes or entertain. It's either that or I'm supposed to just shut up and be quiet because that's people's assumptions of how I am.
But in a way it helps me be a good judge of character because as someone who is considered a background character sometimes, I can now see how people are.
For example, if someone's rude to me because they feel better than me in our toxic school society, and nice to the popular people... u can already tell how they're like lmao.
And if I was immidiently likeable because I one day decided to be loud for no reason like them, I would know which friends were fake. Because some would be rude to me if i wasn't popular.

Those thoughts were old but I felt like it had to be said xD

So yhhh
I change on my own, which is how every one has their growth and changes as a person. ...Just like how I feel socially awkward on my own lol and I'm slowly trying to not make it awkward and get on with it. But I still don't feel any better, thats life ig.

...

Idk what the heck this was or where it all came from

oh well.

Ehhhh that's all for now. It doesn't make sense but idek what I wanted to say atp lol

Thanks for listening to nonsense. I'm honestly here if anyone wants to speak :)

Another irrelevant thing is that I don't like it when people create 'opinions' based on assumptions about me. I'm mostly unbothered and chill about everything but if I one day make an effort appearance wise, it doesn't mean I'm confident.
I get I end up being happy for a quick minute and chat away about it but it rlly doesn't mean I'm confident. I sometimes try work on myself out of temporary boredom, but I don't think I look good lmao. For example skin care or hair cair, I'm bad at both but I try look as decent as a can bc pple r judgemental and my brain is scared-

I honestly care too much about what other people think. Like too much-
I've said it before anyways. I just feel really empty and idk what to do. It'll pass. But I'm working on it.

Peace out

I'm not saying I'm going through something, or going through something deep for that matter. It's just my thoughts over the past 3 years and I'm getting there.

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Give youself a pat on the back if u bothered reading. It felt good to get it off my chest, hah. I might even delete after a while bc its a lil weird to put online