Dysphoric Verses

Dear Mum and Dad

Dear mum and dad
I am queer
and there is nothing you can do about it
Dear mum and dad
I am trans
and there is nothing you can do about it
Dear mum and dad
I am a boy
and there is nothing you can do about it
Dear mum and dad
I go by he/him
and there is nothing you can do about it
Dear mum and dad
my name is Parker
and there is nothing you can do about it
Dear mum and dad
I am bi
and there is nothing you can do about it

When I was a kid
I always felt something was missing
When I was a kid
at gymnastics I always needed to have the "boy" stickers
And when asked why, I wasn't sure
so I would just respond
"maybe I want to be like the boys"
I wanted to be a boy
When I was a kid
I told dad
somethings wrong
somethings missing
And we sat down and talked
Nothing changed
And then I told mum
Nothing changed
Then I told you both again
And you said "don't start with this again"
And so I never said anything again
And when I was a kid
and I was confused
Scared
Sad
Stressed
I kept to myself
Because I'm just being silly
Nothings wrong

But something was wrong
And I wasn't silly

And now as I get older
And learn more about lgbtqia+
I realise that I want to be a boy
Gender means nothing
And I'm too scared to tell you

Because when I was a kid
You shut me out
You made me feel like I can't feel like this

The other week you showed me a photo
Of when I was a kid
And you said
"You were so happy, what happened"
So under my breath
I replied
"Gender dysphoria, that's what happened"
And when you didn't hear and asked to repeat
I said "dysphoria"
As to not out myself
Then what came back was
"Maybe you are addicted to that feeling"
And I tried not to cry
I went to my room
And I did cry

I hate this feeling
It is not addictive
It makes me want to die
I can't live like this
Every time I look in the mirror
I see my chest
I cry
Every time I'm in the shower
I cry
I cry
And I cry
And I start to scratch at my chest till it bleeds
Because if I scratch it enough
maybe I can go all the way through
And then I will look like a boy

But I can't speak up
Because I'm overreacting
I want to feel this way
I just want attention

Every time you say "she"
I hold in my tears
Every time you say "miss"
It feels like a punch to the gut
Every time you call me your "daughter"
I want to die

But I can't say anything
Because of how you acted before

And when I correct you on my friends pronouns
You get all defensive and dismissive
"Oh, but I'm old"
"Oh, but its bad grammar"
And I feel like I will never be able to be myself with you

I mention when one of my friends came out
And you state
That its a trend
That there are way more gay people now
So it must just be a trend

But its not
There are more lgbtq people now
And that's because now its safe to be
If it was ok then they would have come out then
But they couldn't
And now they can
And I'm still hiding
Because of how you acted before

Dear mum and dad
I'm queer
but I'm too scared you will hate me to tell you
Dear mum and dad
Im trans
But I'm too scared you will kick me out to tell you
Dear mum and dad
Im a boy
But I'm too scared you you will dismiss me to tell you
Dear mum and dad
I go by he/him
But I'm to scared you will not respect that to tell you
Dear mum and dad
My name is Parker
But I'm to scared you won't take me seriously to tell you
Dear mum and dad
Im bi
But I'm to scared you will think I'm attention seeking to tell you

And this fear is killing me

Every word
"She"
I want to die
"Her"
I want to die
"Miss"
I want to die
"Ma'am"
I want to die
"*Deadname*"
I want to die
"Daughter"
I want to die
"Girl"
I want to die

Still as a kid
This is what I carry
Still as a kid
This is how I struggle
Still as a kid
I cry to myself at night
Still as a kid
Im scared of my parents
Still as a kid
I want to die

Dear mum and dad
Im trans
And that's who I am
You can't change that

But you still try