Remember

V|

I saw him.
It wasn't as i expected it to be, As usual.
I mean who would expect something and find it exactly the same in real life.
Some things though did happen as imagined;
The second i saw him i had a small heart attack and got extremely nervous while i walked towards him.
He smiled seeing me, and i couldn't even hear my heart anymore, too busy lost in him...
Nothing else matters.

Talked casually and i always notice that the first contact after a long-time-no-see is always heartwarming but the minutes that proceed are so... normal ? So mediocre that it makes me feel cold...

Gave what I owed and left.
And i fuckin hate being right but it was like an encounter with the mailman, the boring neighbor, the street cat...
He gives the right amount of attention needed then walks away like it was something due and now it's done you don't have to think about it anymore...

It fuckin hurts that he never shows more, never looks back...

Today was the same, but.

But, when i walked away i was... okay ? Fine ? All right...

Well maybe at first...
I don't even know how to explain it ! I don't understand it either !!

It didn't hurt !! it was bitter !
It wasn't heartbreaking, it was sad !

But then i started to think
Did i start to move on ??

Yes and no.

It's hidden. The fuckin pain, depression and heartbreak were fucking burried!

And i took some dirt off of that shit when put my headphones on.

I did it on purpose.
To check.
To see if i still feeling « that » feeling...

I was, but barely ?
I honestly don't know.

Do i like the fact that it didn't affect me ? That much ?

No.

I want to remember !
I want to remember every fuckin minute spent together !
I want to see the pictures in my head !
I want to recall the memories !
I want the story to reboot and feel it fresh !
I even want to feel the pain for fuck sake !

This is far from being healthy,
He's living his life, meeting her soon and im here fighting my mind and heart to keep remembering and feeling even the pain...

If i forget, then it's not real... it's not worth it... it's not an « adult-ish » feeling
If i forget after only 3 months, it wouldn't be serious, real.

It should be.
What I felt should be real.