Remember

V||

This is the last part.
The last time i write about this.
The last time i invest time in thinking about this.

There's a part i didn't talk about in here because i thought that I didn't have to, because i thought i made this place for my sad thoughts only, and when something really beautiful happened i just wanted to live in the moment and not think or write about it.
Maybe part of it is that, and maybe because i don't want to think about the fact that what happened is all wrong...

He actually started talking differently, he opened up and talked freely and audaciously,
Made me fly, made everyone notice that something is happening to me while i was texting.
I was blinded, so fuckin blind with that thing that i don't know if i still feel or i can say now « felt » and if i could or could not call « love »
Those 3 or 4 days were the best
He was joking, flirting, mostly flirting hard... but everyday - that interest that he suddenly showed me and made me confused - started dissipating eventually and the bad thoughts started roaming in my head.

I sadly am so fuckin naive i thought
That he actually liked me but he didn't say anything,
That he finally talked,
That all the sadness and hurt that i felt could dissipate in no time when he started being interested.

But it was all a short lived dream that a simple conversation ended all i had with him, in 30 minutes max.

He was never interested, he never wanted anything with me, he just was messing around with the little girl that i am and when i finally talked about the real stuff he snapped showed his true intentions, that he was playing this whole time; wasting time with a girl that he knew well liked him hard and he got advantage of that for his own entertainment,

Then shut me down and made me look like i had no right to be mad or upset with him or what happened...

He was right though, i am still a naive little girl who thought that i am big and mature enough to understand, and play with a person that is older than me with 9 years.

He was right... but he was the worst so far, the fuckin worst
A manipulative man
A bad man that showed me that i am nothing, that he played and got to a certain point of satisfaction and then the rest was a kind talk until he literally told that he've had enough of that and i should stop wasting his time because he was making an effort to stay patient...

I've known him for 6-7 months now, and i just knew that he was a bad man, and that i shouldn't have raised my eyed and looked at him that day, that i shouldn't have smiled to him that day, that i shouldn't have turned down the offer to learn on a different car and a different person, that day.

People warned me, and i should have listened but i couldn't i was blinded, but now i've opened my eyes.

He made me open my eyes with a really hard slap on the face.

It hurts so fucking much, and it's not the same this time;
this time i put away the lighter that he gave me as a souvenir, and i can say that it's the fucking hardest move I've made, it holds a lot of memories I've always hated goodbyes...
I can't say goodbye, i can't, i still have a heart rush when i hear the sound of a new message entering, maybe because I'm writing this the moment all time happened and it will pass, but i just wish this pain and the fact that i cannot let him go in my head will disappear... I'm not strong for this kind of feeling, i want it to stop... but i dont want the story to end, I'm a crazy person and i deserve all this... because of the bad things i did to people that actually cared about me.

this time should be the last time I have to deal with him, but this pain I'm feeling is unexplainable, it's really strong that i cannot explain it, it's making me suffocate physically...

I should hate him, but i don't.
I am mad because he used me and made me look like the overreact-er ... i am mad, i am.

Maybe that's my punishment for loving an engaged man.
If this is the price to pay I'm getting it, i don't have a choice anyways, the pain is gonna stay, i feel like this time it's either gonna take a pretty long time to heal or it's going to be permanent...

I really want to hate him but i cannot, every time i think about him, about the fact that this is the end it's like a blade cutting through my heart.

The fact that it's the end is the fucking worst.
But i should be strong, i will be eventually... i think.

This is ironic, I've always wanted to remember, but know all i want is to forget.