His Guardian Demon

5

Okay, it's been a week and we still have no idea how we're going to tell him how we feel-

My thoughts were going a mile a minute, I could barely think straight. Even though I was back in Hell at the moment for another check in, my mind was elsewhere. I was trying to seem as normal as possible, and so far I was doing a pretty good job as masking my internal panic over the situation. Lucifer and Lilith hadn't noticed anything off about me. Charlie however, could read me like a book, and she was worried.

"Allie? Are you okay? You're acting strange- Tell me, what's happening?" She waved a hand in front of my face to catch my attention. I blinked a few times and came back into reality. 

"Yeah yeah, I'm fine." I smiled a little, the expression feeling stiff and fake, even to myself. "Everything's fine." 

"You do realize I don't believe you, right?" Charlie placed her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "Talk to me Alaska. What's going on? I won't tell Dad if you don't want me to." 

Go on, the little voice chimed, tell her. If anyone is going to be able to help you, it's her. We trust her, we know she won't tell anyone.

"W-well," I began, my voice faltering. I took a deep breath and tried again. "I only have little under two months left with Alastor, my assignment ends in December..." 

"Really?" Charlie smiled a little, "You get to come back soon! That's good!" 

"I know, I'm glad I get to come back soon, I've really missed you guys," I laughed softly, "But..." 

Her smile faded. "But?" 

"Charlie... I'm not ready to lose him yet." I looked down at my lap, my eyes filling with tears for a moment. I blinked them away and drew in another shaky deep breath. "I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I know I'm not supposed to be... but I think I'm attached to Alastor." 

"Oh Allie!" Charlie pulled me into her arms and hugged me tight. I don't know what it was about her hug that did so, but the floodgates of emotion I'd been holding back flung open and I started crying into her shoulder. I was embarrassed with myself for doing so, but that didn't stop me. I didn't know what I was supposed to do in this situation, I was completely panicked. And I couldn't tell anyone, I was trapped. Now that I'd told someone though, it felt safe to be open.

Crying felt weird. I hadn't had a storm of emotion like this for several years now. In fact, the only emotions that had registered to me for as long as I could remember were anger, panic, and complete indifference. It was either I wanted to kill someone, I thought the world was ending, or I didn't give a shit. Actually breaking down completely in someone's arms like that was foreign to me. The whole time I was sobbing, Charlie was rocking me like a small child, telling me it was okay. That there was no problem with the fact I'd developed feelings for Alastor. I wanted to believe her too, but the part of me that felt guilty for it was unbearably loud in my head. I could almost hear it as if it was being spoken aloud to me. So, I sat there, letting her comfort me until I finally calmed down enough to sit up and speak again.

"Holt shit- I haven't cried like that in years," I laughed shakily when I regained my composure. "Guess I must have really needed to, heh." 

"Apparently," she said, laughing a little bit as well. "And that's okay, sometimes you just need to let the rain cloud empty itself." 

A silence fell upon us momentarily. Then Charlie reached out and took my hand.

"Well, you've definitely got to tell him that you feel this way, or he'll never know," She said. I nodded.

"I want to, I just don't know how- and I'm hella scared. Affection is not my area of expertise in any way." I sighed. "And it has to meaningful, y'know?" 

"Yeah, I understand that. Meaningful doesn't mean it has to be fancy though. I think you're overthinking it a bit, Allie." She nudged me playfully and I laughed again.

"Probably, I overthink everything," I agreed, "But I still have no idea how to even bring it up to him. What am I supposed to do? And what if he doesn't feel the same way- Then I'll be embarrassed and sad-" 

"Alaska, calm down," Charlie laughed, cutting me off, "It's not as bad as you're thinking it is." 

I titled my head and frowned. "It's not?" 

"No silly," she giggled, "I get that it's harder for you, given your first relationship being horrible, but it's better that he knows right? Especially if something happens and you don't see him again." 

I nodded slowly. "Yes, it's better that he knows- But I don't have that kind of courage!" 

Charlie thought for a minute. "What are some things he really enjoys? I know you guys have some interests in common." 

I listed the things Alastor enjoyed doing, obviously excluding his little behind the curtain act. He liked hunting and spent some of his time doing that. I rarely ever went with him because I was a sucker for animals and hunting kind of bothered me a little. But, he also really liked music and had an absolutely gorgeous singing voice. Sometimes we listened to jazz on the radio at night, because neither of us slept and he would sing along. It was amazing and I heavily enjoyed it.

"There you go! Just go with the flow, but make that moment a little extra special. Nothing outlandish, but different enough that he thinks it's a lovely little surprise. Do you ever sing with him?" She asks. I shake my head.

"No- I want to but I chicken out every time." I fiddled with the hem of my skirt. I hated that I could never bring myself to sing along. I also really liked music but I only sang when I was alone.

"I think you can do it. Give it a try, at least. When the moment is right, you'll know." Charlie smiled at me and hugged me again. I hugged her back, my confidence renewed.

Yes, said the little voice, we can do this. It's going to be okay.  

"Thank you Charlie, you're a life saver," I say when she lets go of me.

"Anytime, Allie." She grins back at me.

We've got this. We can do it, the little voice repeats to me.

And for the first time, that actually felt true.