My Letters to Lourdes

Empty

December 27, 2020

Dear Grandma,

You're probably bored or annoyed with how much I talk about men. Is that all that I am? My world centered around another person? I thought I'd be happy when I got out of Jordan's entrapment. My love for Jordan faded years ago, so I don't know why I feel terrible and empty. Is it because I failed in those four years?

December 28, 2020

Dear Grandma,

I don't know what to do. Everything I used to like became uninteresting and tasteless. I don't even have the energy to write nor the appetite to eat. I shouldn't even depend on anyone else for my happiness. I keep on failing to do the right things.

I see my landlords' unbreakable love for each other, and I wished that I had that in my life. I wished my parents had that.

Is anyone even thinking about me right now?

December 30, 2020

Dear Grandma,

I'm at the dog park we used to visit together, even though I don't have a dog. I have been stuck in my room and my job for the past few days. So, I decided to get some fresh air. I need to continue writing these stories to you. I know you might judge me about how I always talk about boys in my letters. I just find everything else the same as they were before. Bleak.

The next guy I want to tell you about is Merk. Merk, Mark, I never really got to confirm it. Merk was this super-tall Peruvian guy that I met through my coworker. What a breath of fresh air when meeting someone outside Tinder. He's 6'4"! He's probably the tallest person I ever met! He's tan, slim, and plain. He had no notable physical features at all besides his height. You might be wondering why I decided to meet this guy. I was the one who messaged him on Instagram. I know I sound desperate because I am desperate! Let me give you a little bit of Merk's background. He's a philosophy graduate at UCI and is currently studying law. He's underemployed in Bank of America. He's a creep. He knew my middle name though I never posted it on any of my social media because he has access to everyone's information, apparently. I guess that's what drew me in, the danger and the creepiness. He was dark, and he'd write dark poetries which was typical for a Philosophy graduate. I thought it'd be interesting and pretty helpful to make friends with a guy who's studying in law school. So, I kept talking to him because I had nothing else to do. I learned that you could not establish a friendship on a shaky foundation. You can't be friends after having sex. In the end, he disappointed me with the same line of "I'm not ready for a relationship."