My Letters to Lourdes

The Brazilian Guy

March 14, 2021

Grandma,

I can't even write his name. The Brazilian guy... He was the same as others. He stopped talking to me. He said he's not over his ex. He just used me for sex. I was used again.

March 17, 2021

Why do they have to leave me like this? Grandma, why did you have to leave me like this? Why did you have to die? I have no one. If you didn't die, I wouldn't have sought someone else. Family, friends, I have no one with me. This world has seven billion people in it, but no one consoles me. Why is that?

March 30, 2021

If I delete his number, will I really be free?

Monica just got a boyfriend. She met him from this website called Bumble. I'm not jealous, grandma. I'm just worried she'll leave me too.

April 4, 2021

Dear Grandma,

Today is mom's 12th death anniversary. I can't believe it has been twelve years since mom committed suicide after dad left. I checked Ly's Instagram like I always do and saw that his family is celebrating his sister's birthday. How is it that he's celebrating with his family in his home while I'm here in the graveyard? What did I do to deserve this?

April 6, 2021

Dear Grandma,

I'm in the coffee shop where Ly is working in. He's breathing perfectly behind the counter while I gasp for air because of my chest pain. I'm looking at him as I write this. He doesn't know I'm here. He's too busy laughing with his coworkers. How many girls have to go through this? How many girls have to cry while the guys who torture them are laughing so freely?

I have been recreating scenes in my mind about how I could possibly get back on them in the future. Maybe one day, I become rich and successful. Then, they see me in an expensive restaurant in my tight skirt and high heels, living my best life, and they'd regret how they let me slip out of their hands.

I hate him. I hate how he smiled at me. I hate how he hugged me from the back. I hate how he held my hands. I hate how he kissed me from my forehead down to my lips. I hate that I wasn't the only one who received his kisses. I hate him. I hate Rada. I HATE ALL OF THEM.

I have to stop writing for now. I'm here because I have a date with a police officer. I'm not in trouble, but I just want to have an excuse to see Ly. I have to be angry. I have to do something.

April 12, 2021

Dear Grandma,

I gave myself some time to think about Rada. I thought he was a good guy. I felt like I overreacted with Rada, so I apologized to him. We agreed to be friends (not FWB!). Why not Grandma? I need friends.

April 13, 2021

Dear Grandma,

I decided to surprise Rada with his work. I brought him lunch since he always skips it.