My Letters to Lourdes

Trapped in a Toxic Cycle

February 3, 2021

Dear Grandma,

I told you before that I was trapped in a cycle. I meet a guy, like him too much, have a crappy experience with this guy, try to move on from this guy by meeting a new guy, and repeat the sentence again. It's never-ending. It hurts to check my phone and see that there are no messages waiting for me to open. I thought if I drowned myself with school, gym, and work, there'd be no room for insignificant matters such as men. I was wrong. I can't break up from Tinder. I tried not to use it for a month. I survived nineteen years of my life without a man and without Tinder. Why can't I do it again? I can't do it again because I remembered how miserable I was. I was always crying every night because dad remarried and had a family with someone else. When we moved to another town, my best friends stopped talking to me. You never knew that Grandma, because you were at work. It would've been easy to be single if I had family and friends. I guess I have to work with nothing I have. I think maybe I should lean on something more serious so I can stop this cycle.

March 4, 2021

Dear Grandma,

I never took an interest in Asian men. That is simply because they remind me of dad, who abandoned me and mom when I was a kid. However, I let one guy slip. His name was Ly. He is a 5'11" guy with bushy eyebrows, sharp eyes that curve when he smiles, a tall nose, thin but pouty heart-shaped lips, straight black hair, and his complexion was between tan and pale. He's a rich Vietnamese guy whose family is a line of musicians. He was very charming and sweet, which got me hooked. He made me cry a lot, though. Although I always cry every time out of embarrassment, stupidity, anger, or pain of rejection from every guy, he made me cry the most. I cried not just because of his rejection but what he represented in my life. With him, I never felt good enough. I was never a good enough reason for my dad to stay with us.

I swiped right on him because I never really gave it much thought. He was the first one to message me on Tinder. We instantly connected through our similar interest in literature. I thought guys who read books are top-tier because they are smart and know how to treat a woman right. Ly bombarded me with soooo many personal questions like, "What is your favorite food? Why did you separate from your ex-boyfriend? What makes you sad? What makes you happy?" Oh, why do men do that, Grandma? They push themselves into your life, you give them something, and they leave you with nothing. Do they ever feel bad like I do? Do they ever overthink about our date? Do they ever replay those sweet moments before sleeping? Do they ever think about a potential future with me? Even after a month, the thought of Ly pains me.

March 6, 2021

Dear Grandma,

I'm very happy today! I had a date with this Brazilian guy named Rada! Oh, Grandma, it was a perfect wholesome date! We're the same in so many things. We talk everyday! Plus, he's also an aspiring graphic artist like me! He and I could do projects together! Wouldn't that be amazing?! I'll tell you all about it later. Just know that I didn't make any mistakes this time. I might finally have found a good guy! I'm so happy!

March 11, 2021

Dear Grandma,

Rada has been MIA (missing in action) the past few days. We haven't really talked that much since our second date. I don't want to text him so much because I don't want to sound clingy and obsessed. For once, I am doing something right. I deleted Hinge, the app I replaced Tinder with, and I did not have sex with Rada on our first night together. I'm taking things slow because that's the right process to follow. I'm very excited, though!

Rada is a pale Brazilian guy with brown hair, deep brown eyes, a very tall nose, very red and kissable full lips, and a well-trimmed beard. He's 5'11," and he works as an English instructor in an international school. In his free time, he works for Doordash (so hardworking!). He knows three languages (he sounds so sexy speaking Spanish! Ugh!), he's really good at drawing, and most importantly, he takes care of his mom. He's very expressive about how much he loves his mother. Isn't that a good sign, Grandma, that Rada is different from the previous guys I have met? Doesn't loving your mother mean that you respect women? Plus, Rada and I never spoke about sex. Everything is nice and pure. He's also looking for a relationship like me. He also brought me flowers after picking me up from work. I don't even like flowers because it's not edible, but I like him! Is it too soon to imagine my future with him?