i remember when » l.s

chapter 1

someone just please fucking shoot me. louis yelped out in his brain. he felt so wrong all over. he felt out of place amongst everyone else. he felt like he was an animal in a trap, just struggling in the nets, waiting for the hunter to come and shoot it.
louis needed a place to go to. a place that wasn't school. a place where he wasn't judged for the way he looked, dressed, or talked. he was extremely insecure of himself and never liked to wear anything more than a long sleeved footie tshirt and black frayed jeans paired along with his favorite grey vans.
he walked into the lunchroom, buzzing with the conversations of hundreds of people. louis tried to avoid the gaze of most of the people who he found staring at his awkward position of sitting and standing. he finally picked out an empty lunch table in the corner of the big room and settled down, setting his schoolbag on an empty chair beside him. as always, he did not bring in a lunch. he just couldn't find himself the appetite to eat with all the thoughts that fueled his brain, making it whirr with thoughts stringing around in utter chaos. he stared straight down at his gray vans with a blank face, he had nothing else to do.
for the umpteenth time that week- or day in fact, louis felt like he was on fire. his palms were collecting a pool of sweat and he failed to keep his eyes open. his fingers clenched at the side of his cheeks, trying not to indent them with his nail marks.
nobody really could have cared less. when he had these attacks,everyone pretended he wasn't there or turned their heads away from louis. he felt sick. like he was contaminated with his anxiety. everywhere in public he went, he felt like he was drenched in anxiety, dripping down his back and palms, pooling in his vans. he grit his teeth. he tried not to yell. louis stood from his seat, rushing to the bathroom, hoping nobody would notice him trying to cool down from yet another anxiety attack.
once he had locked himself in the biggest stall, he slouched to the floor, his finger nails gripping his hair, trying to tear it out. he was crying now. his breaths coming out short and hicupps in between. he wanted warmth. he wanted- no needed someone to fling his arms across. he needed someone to help him get over his attacks. he needed a friend. he needed a distraction. that's it. he could just go home after this lunch block. after all, louis was sure that the ladies at the front desk didn't give a shit to check whether or not everyone was there after lunch. louis could easily sneak out through the boys' locker room when nobody was there. he walked out of the stall, wiping the now almost dry tears from his face. he looked into the mirror, making sure he looked decent. he pulled the door to walk outside and avoided any contact with another person. he just wanted to be alone now. he wanted to be in the warmth of his room. 
the breeze hit his brown hair, making it hit his face once in a while. louis carefully walked across the road- he could already see his house, it was close to the school so he didn't need to bring his car. he had decided to sit on the front steps for a while before going in the house. 

coming home everyday was nerve wracking for louis. he felt his heart pound in his chest, giving him a feeling that it may break if it pumped any faster. every time he came home, he just wanted to disappear because of how shitty his family made him feel all the time. nobody really cared about him. his parents were always out someplace hanging out together. they didn't give a single shit about him. all they really, truly cared about was his grades. and whether he would go to college. his stupid grandpa wanted him to be a doctor, but louis really hated medical stuff. his anxiety made it hard for him to learn anything about hospitals and doctors. it was hard enough dealing with his own anxiety and depression, let alone worrying about other people with their own diseases. louis just didn't want to have people relying on him for everything. he didn't want to be the reason that people lost their loved ones. he didn't want anything to do with hospitals, doctors, and people. he just wished to be alone all the time. he really hated everybody. everybody. he had no friends. nobody really seemed to care about him eating alone or his frequent anxiety attacks. 

and when he shared his feelings with lottie, she ratted on him to their parents and that's how he ended up being diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. that's the reason he was visiting a specialist every week. but louis knew that even though his parents sent him for help, they really just wanted him to get better so he could start focusing on school and everything else that was apparently "important." everything was just suddenly building up inside of louis that he really just didn't want to live anymore. he hated every single part of himself and his life. he hated how his parents didn't care. how he was always compared to his cousins and family friends. he hated the fact that he was breathing at all. 

he just wished he was dead. 

dark thoughts were crawling into louis' brain again, and he didn't want them there. he just wanted to be happy. and by happy, he meant being dead. his thoughts became slow and he couldn't really process anything that was going on around him. he just wanted to die. die. just be found with a rope around his neck, pills in his hand, or something. he wished his parents cared. he wished he had friends. louis needed somebody. he needed somebody so bad. he needed someone who took the time to actually listen to him and care for him and love him and never let go. he just wanted that in his life even though nobody really gave less of a fuck about where he was, what he was doing, or how he felt. 

louis just felt so much weight on his shoulders that was dragging him down. he couldn't concentrate on anything. he just wanted to die so bad. die. he wanted to be dead. why couldn't he be dead? why couldn't something happen to him that would cause him to die? why couldn't he be hit by a truck or something? his eyes were wet with tears that were draining his patience slowly. every tear he lost was a strand of sanity being ripped up and thrown out in the garbage. he needed a shower. a warm shower. he stood up, turning to face the front door.

louis froze, hoping that his parents weren't home. with a deep breath, he cautiously opened the door. 

"mum?" he called out with a shaky voice.

"why the fuck are you home?" ouch. he felt tears burning his eyes as he saw his mum walking towards him with a lighter.

hey guys! i hoped you like the first chapter of this book! i'm planning to already have a sequel. i really don't know what else to say!
highlight with a question, comment or suggestion here :)

thanks,
mαnαswi♡