Going Your Own Way, but with Magic

Chapter 5

Today, I wake up with a renewed purpose. Today, I am going to practice magic. Because this is where my life has ended up. Lizzie is already awake and dressed and brimming with good intentions. I wave half-heartedly and hope she doesn't ask where I'm going.
"Where are you going today?"
"Around. Thought I'd take in some nature." It's not a lie. Her smile gets even wider.
"That's exactly what you need! There's so much beauty around here if you look. I've got a really good hiking trail for this morning, do you want to come along?" She makes the offer every morning and I always say no. I don't know why. She's trying to make friends. I think I want friends. It would be easy to say yes. We could walk and talk and she might bring snacks. I can't. I don't know how, I don't know if I ever knew how. For god's sake Max, it's not that hard. Be her friend.
"Maybe another day. But thanks." Her smile slips, but only for a couple of seconds.
"Okay, bye!"

I've gone back to the field. It's still pretty in the morning sun. I stand with my arms folded. I'm looking for something, but I don't know what. I feel ridiculous. No time for that. Why am I in this field, practicing magic? Because of when that man made that fireball and because of when I set the library on fire. I don't ever want to feel that helpless again. I want to have that complete, calm control. I want to feel the world bend a little bit. Also, if that asshole can do it, so can I. There we go. Set aside all the noble ideas. I want to win, and then I want to rub it in their faces. That's nice. Now, onto magic. I know how the power feels, but I've never summoned it before. I shut my eyes and focus. I've felt it before, and I can summon it now. I can let my emotions melt away and ice take their place. It hovers slightly out of reach. I stay like that for about a minute. When I open my eyes, nothing has happened. I feel stupidly betrayed. Logically, I know that nothing was going to happen first try. But I have a hand-me-down curse I never asked for, that's turned my life upside down. Surely it owes me something. Stop being a self-pitying idiot. The weird (I guess I have to call it magic now), doesn't owe me anything. I have to find out how it works.

I focus again. This time I sort of swing my hands a bit, like I'm conducting an imaginary orchestra. Again, nothing happens. I look stupid, but I'm not giving up now. Same focus, same gestures, same effect. Lack of. After the fourth time fails as miserably, I collapse onto the grass. I feel like I've failed. Like I'm a silly girl who can't handle this. Who ran away out of spite, and should have taken them up on their offer. It takes me way too long to snap out of it. When I finally do, I jump to my feet. I don't have any noble motivation. But I have a motivation, and it'll do for now.

The power comes in a rush. It disappears so quickly I think for a second I imagined it, but it's unmistakable. A rush of icy wind that makes me feel like the word 'shatter'. I try to pull it back but it's gone. That's okay. It exists. It exists and I kind of summoned it. I have a power. I laugh. It's harsh and it hurts my throat. I felt magic. Right then. In this stupid field doing stupid hand motions. Magic. Nothing's even on fire. I wish I had someone to tell. I feel people should be congratulating me now. Maybe I should call someone from school.

Still high on adrenaline and magic, I focus again. This time, the power is close to the surface and warmer. It's the blue of blue-flavoured energy drinks, the kind you have to drink without reading the sugar content. I've never thought of it as a particularly beautiful colour, but now I do. With superhuman effort, I grab it and try to pull. It hates that, struggling so hard I'm knocked off my feet. I almost miss the sparks. Two of them. Same blue. They dance over my hands for a moment and then they fade. I let out a tiny, wordless shout. I stare at my hands. They look exactly like they did before. I collapse onto the grass.

My limbs are impossibly heavy. It's hard to keep my eyes open. Doing magic is tiring.

Wait. Shit. Magic. I willed those sparks into being, flagrantly disregarding the very law of the universe. I did that. I, Max, did that. I created something out of nothing. I feel like marching up to Downing Street and demanding an immediate transfer of all power. I did magic. Magic. Okay, I made two sparks for a fraction of a second and it nearly made me pass out. But it was magic. I made those two sparks out of some weird internal power. They had no right to exist.