Going Your Own Way, but with Magic

Chapter 13

"Jesus Christ," Jamie offers.
"Jesus fucking Christ," I agree. What else do you say? I'm now completely convinced we have to do something and completely convinced there's nothing we can do. "There's nothing we can do, really. We could set fire to that place. Burn it all down. We tried subtlety, didn't work, let's start setting fire to shit. Fire, F-I-R-E, it's really bright and hot and I'm good at summoning it. Let's set a bunch of fires." That was, at some point, a coherent thought. He opens his mouth and I cut him off. "Jamie, you know I don't have a plan. Stop asking." He laughs, guiltily but at least he's smiling.
"Fair enough. You've made enough plans. What purpose does that shop serve? She can't be keeping that entire space to scare the occasional customer." I thought of that. I definitely thought of that. Definitely didn't decide to set the place on fire.
"Meeting place?"
"For whom to meet with whom?" Of course he uses the right form of who. If I didn't like him so much I would call him a pretentious bastard. Unfortunately, I do like him so much. I snap my fingers.
"She's harvesting magic from them. It's how she gets her power. The shop's...storage. Can't keep them all in her flat, but can't have them walking around the city." We both wince at 'storage'. It's accurate, which makes it worse. "And it fits with her whole utopia thing. A little corner of the city she has complete control over."
"That's so fucked up. They were people." It's a silly thing to say. It's also correct, and it makes me sick. They were people. People are missing them now. They can't miss those people. They would, if they had any of their minds left.
"I want to destroy that place. We can't. They're all innocent. Relatively. But they'll be trying to hurt us." I'm trying to keep hope in my voice. I'm failing. "Wait-no- I've got it!" I exclaim, standing up.
"What?"
"Nothing, I thought I might be able to force an epiphany if I did that." His laugh doesn't sound forced.

"Let's knock on her door, pretending to be travelling lollipop salesmen, and imbue the lollipops with special magic removing elixir," says Jamie, perfectly seriously.
"That's so stupid. Obviously we tell twelve different football teams they have a match in her flat so they tear it apart." I try to sound as serious. I have to bite the inside of my cheek.
"No, no, we release a colony of frogs into her vents and then spray a frog aphrodisiac until we have a whole army of frogs to fight her." He has a much better poker face than me.
"Barricade her door, hack her TV and make it play Love Island on a loop."
"Invite her to a fancy party, tell her it's costume and then she'll die of embarrassment."
"We have no fucking idea, do we?" I'm not even better. The sun is setting, but it's still kind of warm and everything is bathed in orange light. I have touched his hand and it doesn't feel strange. We are teenagers, laughing together in a park at dusk. This is how things should be. I know I am giving up, but the thought of giving up isn't sharp anymore. We had a stupid dream of fighting, we tried for a while, and now we're giving up.
"Absolutely no fucking idea." It's tinged with sadness, but that'll go with time. We were never going to win and right now I don't have the energy to care.

The hostel is packed and expensive. Jamie is sitting on my bunk. People assume we're a couple which gives me a stupid rush. With all the noise, we can talk quietly about the magic. We look like a couple whispering secrets to each other.
"What if we break her windows?" He suggests it almost cheerfully.
"What if we break a very rich white woman's windows in an expensive part of town with state of the art security?" He gives that a pained nod. I'm right, but I'm annoyed at myself for shutting him down so quickly.
"Can you dispel cloaking spells?" If I talk fast enough, one of my ideas might start to make sense.
"Moderate strength ones, yes."
"Can you teach me?" He considers for a few seconds. I hope he's thinking about his teaching ability and not my level of magic skill.
"Probably. You're a pretty talented spellcaster." The compliment is casual and offhand and as far as I can tell completely genuine. It makes my breath catch. Get a grip.
"What if we get people into that shop?" A smile slowly spreads across his face. It's almost plausible. He has zero poker face, and I watch where he hits the snag.
"They were going to attack us. Wouldn't that be an unacceptable risk?" God, decency gets annoying sometimes.
"She won't. We look like runaways – people won't kick up a fuss about us, not in a city this big. But even here, constantly disappearing passers-by will raise a few eyebrows. It's on a main street, there'll be a lot of people coming in."
"True. But if someone does get hurt..." My first thought is 'collateral damage'. My second thought is 'Jesus fucking Christ what have I become'. I dismissed people, real people, to 'collateral damage'. A necessary evil. You have to make some sacrifices on a quest to feed your ego. Cecelia said she saw herself in me. Maybe she was right. The thought makes me sick.
"You've gone quiet."
"Cecelia said she saw herself in me. That's why she wanted me to join her." He doesn't deny it straight away. Instead he looks at me, head on one side. His eyes are fixed right on mine and it makes me squirm slightly. I get the feeling he's seeing things I don't want him to.
"That's total bullshit." I slump, relaxing muscles I wasn't aware of tensing. There is certainty in his voice, complete certainty. He listened, he thought, he declared it total bullshit. I'll trust that, for a while. I'll do my best to live up to it. And I will never, ever, think of another person as collateral damage.
"Thank you."
"It's the truth." I want to kiss him. I really want to kiss him. For a moment I am looking at his mouth and I almost feel like I can. I could lean forward and put my lips on his and wrap my arms around his neck and let the world disappear around us. For a second, I can. That second passes. I still want to kiss him.

Back to business. "We have to be there. I don't think they'll attack, but if they do we can stop them."
"We need to stop them without magic or Nikki will murder us both. Slowly."
"Who, Nikki?"
"Trust me, she looks sweet, but she would kill us. In a slow and painful manner. She's keeps us secret. Cleans up after any public magic use or leaks to the press. Apparently it's a nightmare." We have a plan. A plan. A feasible plan. My hands are shaking. Daphne is awake for once, and scrabbling at my pocket. I don't sleep, but neither does Jamie.

"No, that's not how you do it."
"Oh, for god's sake." I should be patient. But I have been very patient, all things considered. I want to throw something but I'm not quite that childish. I settle for kicking the ground, slightly harder than my worn out trainers can take. It hurts my foot.
"Don't grab the cloak, it'll slip away. Feel it, and find the seam between it and reality. Then let reality come through."
"What a helpful bunch of fluffy bullshit."
"Max-" He sounds calm and reasonable and it's pissing me off. I am being an asshole. I am being stupid and irritational and he should have the decency to be annoyed. Why can't I do this? I have to. I have to, for our plan to work. He can't dispel the cloak alone. I have to learn this spell, there is no plan if I can't. And I can't. I'm failing us before we even start because I can't grasp a simple spell. "What?"
"We're going to get lunch now." It isn't a question. "You're not getting any magic done like this." He's right.
"That's so stupid." But I'm still mad. More vaguely mad, but mad nonetheless.
"Come on, let's go." I sigh as loudly as I possibly can and follow him.

We both get ice creams and he steals my chips. He pays and changes the subject to avoid an argument. We eat sitting on the grass. When I feed a chip to Daphne, he yelps.
"There's a mouse." His voice has gone all high.
"She's called Daphne."
"You have a mouse."
"I have a mouse."
"Please put the mouse away."
"Wuss."
"You have a tiny plague vector from hell in your pocket."
"That's rats. Daphne's a mouse." I have forgotten why I'm angry. This makes me annoyed, but I can't be arsed to muster anger. Despite my best efforts, I am happy. Happy and peaceful. My limbs are heavy and the sun is warm. I would like to put my arm around Jamie, but it won't move. We stay for longer than we should.

He makes the cloak (smoke, green, gentle but consuming). I feel it. Mind clear, power rising (grey-blue). Don't grab at the cloak, feel reality through it (cold, clear). Search for the seam. Find the seam, where the smoke joins, and pull reality through like threading a needle. Let the brightness burn away the smoke until everything is clear and I have set Jamie's coat on fire. I notice that in an abstract, relaxed manner. His coat is very much on fire. Huh. It's only when I hear him yelling that I snap out of it. Reflexively, I grab the bucket of water, almost tripping over my own feet. It makes a satisfying hissing sound. And he thought the bucket of water was overcautious. He is drenched and singed and looks like he's about to start screaming. I decide now is a perfect time to open my stupid mouth.
"I did dispel the shield..." He stares at me, holding his slightly charred coat at arm's length and then he (thank god) starts to laugh. "But seriously, I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. Um...depending on how expensive your coat is there's a chance I might be able to afford a new one?"
"Without sounding like an asshole, there's no chance. At all. Sorry."
"Told you I had a tendency to set things on fire."
"Yeah, you did. So...not that. Do literally anything but that."

Mind clear, power darker blue this time. Feel the cloak, feel reality, gentle tug. Nothing happens, but nothing is on fire.

Mind, power, cloak, reality, pull. This time there's a kind of catch, a slip. Which makes me so excited that I immediately drop it.
"I had it! Did you feel? It was only a second, but I had it."
"Yeah, you did." Now I'm worrying he thinks I was overconfident.
"But it was nothing, really." Now I'm worrying he thinks I'm pathetic. Which is pathetic.

Eyes shut, mind clear, sincerely hoping I don't look like a twat. Cloak, reality, pull through and focus. I keep my eyes closed for what must be a minute and when Jamie clears his throat the cloak has slipped.

We practice until the sun is nearly setting. I'm now pretty sure I could dispel a cloak hanging by my toes over a ravine while reciting the alphabet backwards. Jamie is eternally patient to the point it's almost annoying. I make a few more sparks, but no fire. It's pretty here, in twilight (if you don't watch the drugs changing hands too carefully). The congested, polluted hellhole of a road we walk down is pretty. Jamie is pretty. Lots of things are pretty. I'm exhausted, but in a good way. I have a strange feeling that is almost confidence. Maybe, I can do this.