Merlin x reader (original story)

Chapter 11: thats a promise I am making for myself

Y/N's POV:

I'm all alone in my room right now, so I decided to look back on what happened yesterday. I know I helped capture the infamous robber and yet I can't help but feel unfulfilled. I was congratulated but was it just praise derived from pity? I tried my best and I still lost my weapon during the fight. I even let my guard down resulting in this injury.

A part of me wanted to believe it was not completely my fault, how could I have known he had a dagger? Nonetheless if I was alone I could have easily not survived. I had to rely on Merlin to help me and I hated it. All my life I only depended on only myself, yes it may sound sad, but I would rather that than be incompetent and rely on others for everything.

Did I even deserve to go on the mission? Was it too difficult for me to handle? Of course it was, that is why I failed my individual role to defeat him. It was too early for me to handle something like that and I overestimated my skill level while simultaneously underestimating my opponent. Next time I'll just decline-

"Y/n! Helloooo are you even listening to me? Why are u looking at the wall like u want to stab it or something"? It was Merlin, I was so lost in my thoughts that I haven't even noticed the food he brought or the fact that he was in my room trying to talk to me.

"Oh. Sorry" there was silence in the air, but I didn't really want to elaborate.

"Soo no comeback? Not even an insult? Y/n what's wrong"

"What, does it seem like something is wrong"?

"YES! Clearly somethings wrong!"

I stayed silent but Merlin just kept looking at me for some kind of answer. "Ugh you're so annoying fine I'll say something" I looked back at him as he let out an almost silent sigh of relief. "How many years have you been apart of the fearless seven?" I ask.

"Oh" Merlin answered as a visible wave or realization hit him. "Well let's see, I ran away around seven or eight, that's when I met some of the others. I Practiced fighting and studied spell books for about 4 years before I did anything, so I started my actual missions around 11/12. I was very VERY weak back then so all my missions were with the whole group. It could not just be 2 of us like how we were yesterday. Even then most of the time we just barely succeeded.

Over the years we got more experience, more time to practice and we got stronger. I failed many times and needed help. I don't know if you understand what I am getting at but its okay to rely on others, especially at the start. You will not be perfect from the start, that is pretty much guaranteed, but you will get better. You just need more experience. A few more months from now you will easily be able to spot any hidden weapons so don't beat yourself up over it."

Holy shit he read me like a book. Was I that obvious? I guess I was pretty obvious looking back. Anyway I guess he is right about something, I need more practice and experience so from now on that is all I will focus on, maybe I'll find a special talent like Merlin's sorcery or Arthur's ability to wield any weapon with ease.

"Y/N you are too hard on yourself, anyone could see that. Right now just rest until you are healed and honestly, I have to admit you are advancing way quicker than I did. Probably faster than anyone here."
"Thanks" I tried smiling but from Merlin's sad expression it seems it looked sadder than I thought it would. "Hey, can I have some time alone? I need to think"

"Sure" he responded, "eat though you need to recover".

Throughout the day I went back and forth in my own thoughts. I recalled my conversation with Merlin and had to constantly remind myself of what he said. By the end of the day I was fed up with spiraling and decided that since I can't fight for a while I might as well do something at least slightly more productive than sulking.

The triplets invented a pair of strange walking sticks for me to use to help me walk around alone. They called them crutches or something I don't really know. I was not really paying attention to the name. I'm very thankful for them though, it's a lot easier to move around without actually moving my leg so I don't really need to worry about reopening the wound.

I walked myself to the library hoping I can find something new to learn. If I remember how to read that is. My reading level is pretty much the same as a fifth grader since that's when I was kicked out from my foster home and had to stop schooling. I did not bother trying to look for a new home since I already stayed at them all. Nothing ever lasted despite always being quiet and obedient. I was still unwanted. That's fine, I decided from that day I'll do whatever it took to survive until I was old enough for an actual job.

I broke into an old shack and lived there for a while, picking up small jobs to save up money. I worked on farms, in stables, basically anywhere they let me. One day a band of thieves came and stole from me when I was working. I came home to nothing left but ashes. All the coins were gone so they clearly raided it before. I've been saving up and living there for two years by that time, honestly I really just felt like giving up.

Despite everything I continued as usual, finding a new place every few months now and still working. At 15 (5 years since being kicked out) I heard about a larger town not far from here. I practically ran the whole way there. It took days but I made it. Calling it a town was an understatement though. It was huge! There were always people everywhere at all times, even at night. There I found a place to rent out very cheap. Yes, I moved a few times and had a few jobs, but I made a living and had a home, that was all that was important.

I am not proud of it but I also picked up some skills like pickpocketing and wielding a knife, the latter is the reason why I learned to fight with a dagger so easily. The last job in the city was at the café, I worked there for about a year before all of this. I realize now that the city is no place for me anymore.

I cannot go back. Yes, I was kind of depressed for like a day just now, but I overcame it. I've been through worse, lost more and have been in harder living conditions. I'm practically living a dream right now and I am grateful for it. I will no longer sulk, I'll get better. Finally, I can reteach myself to read and then learn a skill. I will earn my place here and be every bit as much as the rest of these guys. That is the promise I am making for myself.

Authors note:
Gettin a little bit more deep