Lost Change

Chapter 60

I settled to the ground beside Susie's grave and stared at the sun in stunned disbelief. It was too much. It just wasn't fair. Everything was a mess right now. Everything. I was still torn up inside, I hadn't slept at all last night, the few fruits I found to eat all tasted bland and lackluster compared to the sweet, ripe fruits I had grown accustomed to, and I had barely been able to work up enough of an appetite to eat.

Was it really too much to ask that one thing be right? Just to have one simple thing go okay, just to have one thing not be completely ruined? Couldn't I at least have that much?

No. Now even the Morning Song was broken for me.

I could feel it. Even worse than when Susie had died. It was a gaping, obvious wound in my dance. The blatant, glaring certainty that I was doing it wrong. I barely felt any of the uplifting sensation I normally had after a sunrise. All I was left with was more... more wrongness.

More of the knowledge that I had made a mistake. More of the feeling that I should be with Minna, and dancing and singing for her, not out here alone. Not leaving her alone.

It just wasn't fair...

I drifted through the day as a complete wreck. I glided aimlessly throughout the forest, telling myself I was searching for some treat that might be interesting enough to overcome my lack of appetite, but I always seemed to end up back near the edge of the park. Back near the city.

Hunger finally grew strong enough to overcome my depression around noon, and I made a simple lunch out of a few apples I found. After that my lack of sleep caught up with me and I returned to my den for a nap... and after a few hours of fitful rest, I returned to flying random patterns through the forest.

Whenever I smelled a Kymari nearby I turned and went in another direction. I didn't want to see any of them, not after what they had done to me. And... I still really, really wanted to see one of them, even despite all she had done to me. Because of all she had done to me.

As evening approached I returned to the river. The fish had started to become more active with the setting sun, and it was easy to catch one. A month away from the forest hadn't dulled the habits I had formed over eight years of providing for myself. In no time at all I had killed and deboned a fish for Susie's meal.

A few Kymari were at the bank, and one kept a recording device on me. I couldn't help but wonder if Minna would see it. I wasn't sure if I wanted her to or not. She might be happy to see that I was doing well... but she might be sad to be reminded of me. Would it just be better for her to forget about me? Would it just be better for me to forget about her?

Could either of us actually do that?

I dropped the fish off for Susie, but I didn't have the energy to play with any of the pinecones scattered about. I spent several minutes walking around the grave, looking for... something... but whatever it was, it wasn't there. That made me sad, though I wasn't sure why.

I curled up by the headstones and watched the sun slowly set. For some reason I didn't quite understand, I really wanted a sunburst berry...

I settled down on the ground, feeling the last moments of the Morning Song fade away. I glanced at the pile of rocks that served as the marker for Susie's grave.