dreams of you

when its just us

The sound coming from my AirPods softens as the first song on my playlist comes to an end. Music isn't really my thing. I can understand it to an extent, but I just pick what sounds the best for the most part. All the details don't mean anything to me. I know when music sounds good since I'm in band, and that's good enough. Overall, I'm good at language arts. I love reading, and writing is like a stress reliever for me. When it comes to school, it's like a sixth sense to me. I've been in all honors classes for as long as I could remember. I have nothing to complain about because I like challenging myself. Or at least I tell myself that. Sometimes all the stress of the work piling up really wears me down, but isn't that normal? Either way, I make time for it and try my very best. Even if it means sacrificing a lot of my free time. My screen time is limited and the process it takes for me to hang out with friends makes me not even want to do it anymore. I can't really blame my parents for wanting me to focus on school since they expect the same of my sister. It's better for me this way anyways.

My focus is brought back to the classroom I'm in. It's fourth period, or intervention enrichment. My teacher is talking about the next algebra test and ways to study, but my music distracts me from her words. I sink in my chair, tapping my pencil on my desk. People that I talk to walk by me, but I don't really care. I don't know what it is, but recently, I've been distancing myself from people. It's not intentional, or at least I don't think it is, so I'm not really sure why. I care about my friends a lot. But it's just... I can't really explain it. Or maybe I just don't know. I turn my head and see Jacob, my eyes laying on him for probably too long to just be a quick glance. He's always social. What is it that makes me different from him in that aspect? I've always talked to everyone and had tons of friends. I still do, yet... Why does it feel different? I don't know. My eyes find their way back to Jacob, who is talking with the boy sitting in front of him. The minutes tick by and I.E. is almost over, yet I still have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel as if I never make progress when it comes to figuring myself out. My sister says it's all apart of growing up, but in order to not burden anyone, everything would be better if I just knew what my problem was now. I take my AirPods out and return them to their case, shutting my Chromebook in the process. I sit there. Looking down at the desk below my face. God. God.

The bell rings and I start collecting my books and head to lunch. Has my resting face always felt this sad to wear? My book is on the top of my pile once again and the thought of the relationship between the characters brings a smile to my face. One of my friends, if I could call him that, walks into the almost empty classroom. He wraps his arm around Jacob who was leaving the classroom also. "Hey Jacob." That's the only thing I caught. I'm not sure why, but it's like I filtered their conversation out of my head. It had only happened a second ago, and I can't remember anything but that. The two words ring in my ears repeatedly and I feel like it'll never stop. I walk to my locker to put my books away, trying to recall how many hours of sleep I got. I'm pretty positive I got eight hours, so why is today so weird? I can hardly focus on anything and my memory is horrible. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if I can't get into my locker. I set my books down on the ground and grab the lock, twisting it to fit the numbers in my combination. Despite my guess, I was able to get my locker opened on the first try. Admittedly, I've struggled with this lock more times than I'd like to admit. I could've sworn the hallway was packed with people, but thinking back to it, I can't recall. I couldn't hear anything. My eyes raced across every inch of my locker as if I was searching for something, but I wasn't. I was just trying to get to lunch. Little by little, the halls filtered people out of them until I was the only one who remained. I think I just lost track of time. There's no punishment for attending lunch past the bell, but it would be far more than embarrassing to have a teacher catch me standing here as if I had lost my mind. I grab my phone and slide it into my hoodie pocket, finally making my way down the first set of stairs. I didn't want to be caught coming out of the eighth grade bathroom, so I head to the seventh grade floor. I glance at the blue male bathroom sign painted on the wall for not even a couple seconds and without putting any thought into it, I enter the archway. I take out my phone and open my texts with my sister. I'm really close with her, and I feel like she's the only person that I can tell absolutely everything to. But despite our relationship, my mind goes blank when I try to think of something to say to her. I have so many thoughts and no way to put them into words. I don't know what to feel or how to feel. I'm overreacting. There's nothing wrong, I'm just making a big deal over nothing. I try to think of something to say, maybe something that will let her know and understand even a glimpse of how I'm feeling, but no matter how much I rack my brain, nothing comes to mind. My head feels completely blank, but I know it's nowhere close to that. I start to feel lightheaded and wonder if maybe I had felt this way the whole time. My fingertips hit the keyboard on my phone and I type out, "hi. feel like shit lol, wish i could be at home with you." As the time goes on, I start to feel worse and worse. I feel like I'm going to pass out. It would be embarrassing to walk into lunch halfway after it started, but I needed to eat before I probably would've collapsed. So with that decided, my phone finds its way back into my pocket and I stumble out of the restroom. Surprisingly no one has came in that whole time, and I suddenly felt better about one thing. It's not like I was doing anything I shouldn't have been, but I don't know what I would've done if things went differently. I take a deep breath and go to the first floor.

The first thing I feel is that everyone is staring at me, but nobody is. The first thing I actually process is that the lunch doors are closed, and I didn't know what else to expect. I see Jacob sitting at our table with some of our other friends but he's the only one that stands out to me. I start feeling more anxious than before and the reason remains unknown. Lately I've been feeling attached to the blonde boy despite not having that close of a friendship with him, and I have no idea why. I prepare myself for the questions everyone is about to ask me as I make my way to my lunch table. "Jake, why you so late?" I breathe. I've been told I'm awful at lying, so I'm lost at what to say. Four of the boys are staring at me, probably waiting for my answer, while the other two completely ignore it and continue on laughing. It should probably lighten the mood, but the sound of their laughter only puts me under more stress. Why am I...? "I needed to talk to a teacher."

I look up from my hands in my lap and up at my tablemates. The first one I notice is Jacob. He's hard to miss. One of the ones that's staring at me, actually. And now he's the only one who is. My answer was generic enough that nobody really seemed to care, so his eyes still being on me confused me. It takes me a couple seconds before I realize I'm totally lost in his eyes. He probably thinks I'm a creep now if he didn't already. "What's up...?," I say without messing up somehow. He just shrugs. I don't understand it.

Luke is one of the boys at our table, and as he returns from visiting his friends at other tables, he pats me on the back and hands me a box of raisins. He really gets on my nerves, but everyone else seems to love him. I blink repeatedly down at the box below me and my head starts to ache. I should probably eat them, but instead I put my head down. I feel awful. My face is turned towards Jacob who's on the right of me. I just want to be alone. But somehow, by doing nothing, his gaze is comforting. "I feel like shiiiiit," I blurt out without thinking, extending the "I" sound. He smiles at me. And suddenly, in one way or another, the weight on my chest is lifted. But my heart is beating. Fast.

After lunch is over and I hadn't eaten a single thing, I think that I feel better. I think that I can feel my mouth corners pointed upwards, which I haven't felt all day. Luke comes up behind me and swings his arm around my shoulder like he always does to me. I hate him. I sigh and close my eyes, my legs staying in motion. But when I open them again, I see Jacob. He's beside me, on the opposite side as Luke. I think Luke might be talking to me, but my ears don't register a sound. I don't know how I'm feeling anymore. Jacob grabs my arm and pulls me away from Luke and into the eighth grade boys bathroom. My mind is still blank. I think I'm trying to process what's happening, but I don't know. I want to be in my bed. With my dog. I just want to be alone. But here I am with Jacob. And I find myself back in reality. I can hear again, and I can hear the bustling halls. I can see the bright lights that always seem to hurt my eyes. I see the blonde boy. The perfect blonde haired boy with beautiful blue eyes and even though beautiful is an overused word, it's the only way I can describe every part of him. We're just standing here. In the bathroom. With his hand still wrapped around my arm, and my face goes flushed. He smiles at me, and I think he finally realizes that he's still holding me and lets go quickly. My chest gets lighter once again. The silence is so loud. I don't think either of us know what to say. As we stand there, the bell rings that signals we have to attend fifth period. "Sorry," he says to me, "You just looked uncomfortable." My eyes return to his face, which seems to be locked in his pretty smile. And he leaves. He's gone. And I'm left alone. A blushing mess.