dreams of you

because of you

"Well... Okay, fine. If you MUST know. He just makes me really happy. I love his smile, his eyes, his hair, his voice. I like everything about him. I think on top of it all, he's a really sweet guy. But I can't lie, he's pretty cute too." I was sitting on the couch with Isabel after she has pampered me like I was sick all day. Somehow we went from the most stereotypical angsty sibling scene imaginable, only with the roles swapped, to me teasing her about her new boyfriend. Our parents had came home a few hours ago and I had convinced Isabel to not tell them about the state she found me in. The last thing I need in my life is added pressure and worry from my parents. She put on a generic sappy movie that I can't tell apart from the other hundreds we've watched together. The only reason I agreed to it is because I've been feeling pretty lonely and her company is always comforting. And maybe also because I couldn't get Mona to get off of my lap. "Why do you want to know anyways? Have you got a little crush? Hmmmm?" Isabel nudged my side, hinting that I could ever possibly have a crush. What would information about her boyfriend do for me to help with my "crush" anyways? "What, now I'm not allowed to know about my older sisters social life? You've gotta at least show me a picture." She grins at me and pauses the movie as if I would be afraid to miss it or something. I know shes aware I'm not interested in the film at all, and I start to feel guilty that she's trying to spend time with me and it seems like I couldn't even be bothered. But the truth is that I really appreciate her. It means a lot to me when she takes time out of her busy overworked life to hang out with her nerdy little brother. At least that's what she used to call me. Isabel hesitates showing me her phone screen and covers her mouth as I look over and see the picture of her boyfriend through the obnoxious brightness illuminating from the screen. God, does she always have her light that bright? After my eyes settle into the blinding phone, I see the boy. I blink. "He sort of reminds me of... Callan McAuliffe?" I laugh slightly at my own joke, and she throws her head back into the pillows on the couch we're sitting on. "I guess he's cute." But I don't really think so. He looks like every other brunette white guy to ever exist, and he kind of looks like a jerk. But if my sister loves him, there's no way I could hate him. "See! I told you he's not that bad," she exclaims and then whispers, "But mom and dad don't know yet. So just... Keep quiet." We laugh, and she pushes her finger to my mouth and lets out a "shhh" sound, signaling me not to tell anyone. Of course I wouldn't. "You know that I would never say anything." Isabel smiles at me before unpausing the movie I've been dreading for the past five minutes that we've been talking about her boyfriend. I roll my eyes and get Mona's toy from off the ground, placing it in her mouth. "I understand if you have to go upstairs since it's a school night. But don't think you're getting out of this movie!" I sigh, over exaggeratedly, and get up to stretch my legs. I love her. I feel like I could spend my whole life talking to her, and despite everything I thought about her earlier, I cherish her company more than anything in times like this. She's my only true friend. "Finally. Alright, I'm going to bed. And uh... Thank you. For everything, you know?" We smile at each other and Isabel gets up to hug me, Mona standing up on the couch from our movement. She embraces me and I don't think I've ever loved anymore as much as I love her in this very moment. I've decided that she's my favorite person. She always has been, but I don't think she's ever officially been given that title. But at the same time, I don't think about things like that because I never feel close to anyone but her. When she goes off to college, I don't think a second will go by where I don't miss her.

Since my parents go to sleep early for work, I never really get to say goodnight to them. Or good morning. I never think about it though. Instead, I start the shower and remember to plug in my chromebook for school tomorrow. All my homework is completed, and I sigh in relief. I check my phone to see that I have no notifications, so I get into the shower. The water is way too hot, but I always adjust to it in a couple minutes. I feel really lost in my life right now. I don't know what I wanna do. I never know how to feel. I only have my sister, and there's still so much I haven't been able to tell her simply because I can't find a way to put it into words. I joke about this a lot with myself, but I think it's true that the only things keeping me motivated are Isabel, Mona, and books. Fuck, I really am a nerd. Maybe I'm okay with that.