dreams of you

buildup

"I'm not sure I've ever been this anxious." Isabel looks over at me like I'm joking, and she laughs a little. But I'm definitely not lying. No first day of school or class presentation gets me this worked up. My palms are sweaty and my hair is still damp from my shower this morning, and I look even more of a mess than usual. She had drove me to the middle of town so that I could meet Jacob up at his house just like I had promised. And now here I was. Parked outside of his house. Jacob is perfect, but nothing compares to the garden in the front yard. It looked straight out of a stock image, like something that would come up if you searched 'pretty garden' or something dumb like that. But even that, even his perfect fucking garden and his perfect fucking house, can't take my head off of how nervous I am for this. Because for once, me and him are going to be alone. I wasn't waiting for this experience or anything. Not at all. Just... I usually don't get to hang out with friends. Especially not one on one. To be fair, we're going to be working on homework, which lifted some of the weight off my shoulders because if I was good at anything, it was schoolwork. And I was confident that I could impress him and we would have this work done by the end of the day. Or at least I thought I was. No matter what I did or what I thought about, I couldn't my head off of his stupid face.

Isabel sat there, staring out the passenger window at what I could only assume was the garden catching her eyes. I think she's always been into plants and shit. I turn to her, "Are you sure mom and dad aren't gonna find out about this?" On top of this awkward homework hangout thing with Jacob that's stressing me out enough, I also have to rely on my older sister (who doesn't have the best track record in the people I can trust to hide something from our parents) to keep it a secret. And I think that makes this sound a lot more pretentious than it actually is. I mean, it's two kids hanging out to work on history homework. But neither of us were sure my parents would be okay with it, so we decided that Isabel would cover for me. And that, I'm terrified of. But she nods excessively anyways. "Of course. Jake, you sure have little faith in me. After everything I've done for you?" I roll my eyes. No matter how right she is, it doesn't make her less annoying. But I love her more than anyone.

My attention is brought back to the house in front of me, and god, this is a reality. I'm really fucking doing this. Maybe I'm the one making this pretentious. Before I get out of the car and maybe lose my mind, I turn back to Isabel. She gives me a sympathetic smile that only makes me want to punch her in the face, and asks me the most dreaded question in the entire world, "Are you okay?" Because no, I'm not fucking okay. I never have been and she knows that. She knows that better than anyone, fuck, better than I do. My immediate response is to get out of the car and just start walking away, but considering that she went out of her way to drive me to do homework with some pretty blonde boy, I resist. "I'm okay. Love you." I say it like I'm in a hurry, but really, I don't want to move. I would sit in this car outside of Jacob's house for the rest of my life if I could, no matter how creepy it may seem. And now I'm overthinking, more so than earlier. What if I'm too early? What if his family doesn't like me? What if he invites me to stay for dinner? What if he only likes me because I'm good with homework? What if I fuck up everything? This is a reality. And I'm really doing this.

Isabel and I exchange our final goodbyes, and I don't think I've ever felt fear this strong. Jacob, what have you done to me? My hand grasps the door handle and I get out because it's definitely too late to cancel, no matter how much I've been dreading it. I don't even bother waving goodbye to Isabel once I'm out of the car. I haven't ever messed someone like how I miss her right now. But I manage to pull through, making my way up the pathway to Jacob's front door, bordered by his perfect garden. And my head feels like it might explode. I knock. Have I ever knocked on one of my friends doors before? For a minute I think of how sad my life really is. My sister's car remains parked in the same spot, like she's waiting for my downfall or something. And I really don't blame her, because I'm in the exact same position here. It would be easier if something did actually go terribly wrong because at least then, I would know I fucked up and accepting that Jacob would never want to talk to me again would be easy to understand. But the door opens anyways, and there he is.

I blink, my dry eyes making it audible. What the fuck? In this moment, all I wanted was for everything to be over. But I think Jacob's smile made all my negative thoughts go away. All of them. Even the guilt I felt from not telling my parents about this, gone. Maybe this isn't a normal friendship. I feel genuinely attached to him. Everything feels different.

"Hi," he says to me, a stupid grin still pulling at his stupid mouth corners. I look at his lips for longer than what is probably socially acceptable. I sound like Isabel obsessing about her boyfriend when I say this, but his smile really does cure all my issues. I don't even care to turn and see if Isabel is still creepily lurking or anything. Because all I can think about now is him. I sound like such a cringey teenage girl. But he's just a friend. And I'm a boy anyways, so that makes everything entirely different. I mutter out, eyes still fixated heavily on Jacob's smile, "Hey."