dreams of you

maybe

Before I can think about it for more than a second, it's already Monday again, and it's like I haven't left my bed the whole weekend. I'm sure that I have, but the only thing I can recall is cuddling up with my dog after school last Friday and falling asleep as music sent me to sleep. I had actually decided to start a show, which is shocking for both me and probably everyone else who knows me well. Which isn't many people. I would say my sister is the only one who's actually able to understand me, but even many of my friends know that I don't watch shows often. I just lose interest in things like that so easily, so devoting more than two hours of my life to a show would just be a total waste of time. I don't get attached to shows and movies like I do books. I guess I like musicals. But other than that, the last thing on my mind is sitting down and watching a show. But alas, I began one that same Friday. I really only started watching it because it's based off of a book series I really enjoyed starting with Outlander, which also happens to be the name of the five season TV show. I don't think the show does the books justice though. Or at least that's how I feel after the first few episodes I've finished. That's probably why I like books more. But I'm pretty sure I've always preferred reading. Even when I was a kid, I don't think I was that interested in cartoons or Disney shows. I would much rather be enjoying a book. I would never admit is, but one of my dream scenarios has always been reading a good book under the stars on a warm summer night alone with just my dog. I actually just ordered a new book that one of my favorite book blogs posted about recently since I finished "A Court of Mist and Fury," my most recent book. I really enjoyed it, but I think that's to be expected since I get most of my recommendations from people with similar taste to me. I already put a hold in for the next book in that series at my local library but I figured I would get another read until I'm about to get it, so I ordered "Crier's War" from Amazon. It's a fantasy fiction YA novel that apparently ties in romance and science fiction, so I'm pretty excited about this one. I avoid reading to many reviews about books I'm planning on reading because they always spoil absolutely everything and what's the fun in that? I'd prefer to just figure out the story myself.

I get hot under my thick covers which are probably too heavy for the autumn season, so I decide it's probably best to get out of bed. I've been awake for nearly an hour and I haven't done anything but stare at my ceiling. And maybe talk to myself a little bit. Despite it being a Monday, we don't have school today. My older sister doesn't either. My parents still have to go to work since it's just an ordinary Monday for them. I mean, it technically is for me too, but we don't regularly get Monday's off obviously. It's 11:47. I wonder if she's awake. But of course she is. She's always been better than me at everything. Not that the earlier you wake up the more successful you'll be or something, but even in general, I can tell my parents are more proud of her than they are me. I guess it hurts more when I'm about to tell who they love more as opposed to them actually saying it. If they did, maybe I would learn to accept it. Maybe. I've come to terms with the fact she's that she's basically amazing at everything, and I really look up to her. I do sometimes wish I was as perfect as she was. I've gotten better at not thinking about it though, and I'm proud of myself for that. I know that some people in my position would never give up on the fact the other sibling is more loved than them. I still try my best. I might not come home with trophy's or medals or perfect report cards... And it hits me. No matter what I do, I'll never be good enough for anyone. And the one person that is able to understand me, the one person I believe actually cares about me, is the person that has always been better than me at everything. She's the person I have always been compared to and always will be. Why is it that my head always feels empty when it's actually racing? I don't know if I even want to get up anymore. Fuck. I can't describe why I feel this way. It's not like it's my sisters fault for why I'm so selfish and emotional. And suddenly I can feel tears falling from my eyes. I turn around to see that my alarm clock reads 12:18. And as I cry even harder because of how pathetic I am, I remember something else that happened after school last Friday. As soon as I got off the bus and into my house, I was greeted with Isabel. She hugged me, and we talked for a few hours under the dim lights in her room. I was crying and venting to her about everything. If I had a chance to change everything I said, I would choose to not say anything to her at all. I don't know. I vent to her a lot and I always regret every word I say. I overthink everything after it already happened. And the more I think about Friday, I think about school. And Jacob. For some reason. And for some reason, his name has been tied up in my thoughts a lot more often as of recently. Nothing negative, nothing positive. I don't think. Maybe it would be different if I didn't think he was so perfect. I think that maybe the reason I think about him is because I really look up to him. Or something like that. How can you look up to someone you barely know? I don't know. I don't know anything.

My eyes are dry and I have the tears that remained on my face turned to crust just before my sister came to check on me. "Jake?" Her voice sounded hesitant. I regretted taking so much time to just cry over my pitiful problems that didn't even matter. Because now she would see me crying in my dark room and I would probably say too much which would only give me another reason to cry over something small. Shit. I felt like every word I've ever known escaped my brain and I was left sitting there, mind blank. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to say. Do I even need to? This situation has happened time and time again and I'm still clueless on whether or not I should even talk. Isabel came in and closed the door behind her. She opened my curtains only to close them again at my dissatisfied grunt. She gave me a sympathetic smile which just made me feel like shit. She shouldn't have to keep putting up with me. I don't know what my problem is. She takes a seat next to me on my bed and pats my back, and that's when I know she's knows I've been crying. I don't even know what time it is and at this point, I just want to go downstairs and eat something while scrolling through my favorite blog pages. Or maybe I just want to lay in bed for the next few hours and stare at my ceiling, trying to erase every single thought that I've ever had. And erase myself. But I'm brought back to what I wish wasn't reality when my sister tucks my dark hair behind my ear. The touch signals me that I probably have to tell her why I was crying. But I don't have an answer. I just want to stay like this. Sitting on my bed with her. And maybe it could go back to how things used to be. I start getting anxious from sitting still and I need to get up and do something. I hate myself. Fuck. I hate this. I hate that I'm like this. I regret everything. "I'm sorry." I don't know what else to say. My eyes hurt from the pressure in my head and I wish I could just die right here. I don't want her to tell me I did nothing wrong and go on about how much she cares about me and how I should tell her everything, I just don't care anymore. And I want to be alone. I want her to be here, but I don't want to socialize. Fuck. Isabel sits up on my bed and grabs my shoulders. She gives me that same look that she did before and I feel worse. I feel sick. My breathing gets heavier and I don't know why, god, what is wrong with me. "How about I make you something to eat? You must be hungry." I nod. Not because I want to get up and put in the effort of going down the stairs and eating in front of her like everything is fine. I just want to stop being sad. And I'm told that I need to put in effort if I want to get anywhere, so I think the first step is trying. I attempt to clear my mind and think about school, but it only leads to the pressure of all my assignments and the people who make fun of me and it reminds me of how awful of a place my school really is. Besides my friends. Which if I'm being totally honest, don't even seem like my friends. I don't talk to them about anything and I don't think I like them very much. The only person I want to talk to outside of school is probably Mallory. And maybe... Maybe Jacob.